The Bachelorette episode 5 recap: Becca rolls the dice on love

Last we saw our lumberjack-loving Minnesotan, Becca was saying good riddance to Jean Blanc, who made an early exit. We lost several bro-testants we hardly knew, but we were still stuck with Lincoln and Jordan. Will one or both be leaving us tonight?

We arrive in Las Vegas. Becca is our Lady Luck, rolling the dice on love and gambling with her heart or whatever other Vegas cliche you can think of…

The contestants arrive at their Vegas hotel and “bro out” like aging frat boys reuniting at a bachelor party. It is an immediate turn-off. Becca pops the champagne to toast a new week in Vegas.

The next day, the boys gossip about the possibility of a two-on-one date, otherwise known as the infamous Hunger Games portion of The Bachelorette. But alas, we’ll have to wait for the kill or be killed moment. Colton receives a date card!

Colton gets this week’s one-on-one date

Colton is excited to go on this date now that the Tia thing is behind them.

Ominously, they cross “Virgin River” as they arrive at a desert Safari. They go camel riding, which is apparently something you can do in America.

Back at the hotel suite, David needles Jordan about getting the last rose at the previous ceremony. Garrett and Blake can barely keep it together as the other two passive aggressively fight in front of them.

We return to Becca and Colton who hop in the hot tub. Becca wastes no time kissing him. The chemistry is definitely there.

Later, they arrive at a nice dinner where they will not eat anything.

Colton shares that during his last serious relationship, he said “I love you,” and didn’t hear it back.

He explains that he’s only been in love once before that and he won’t use those words lightly ever. They eat each other’s faces.

Back at the hotel suite, it’s date card time. Wills, Garrett, Blake, John, Connor, Leo, Lincoln, Jason, Chris are all going on a group date with Becca.

They do some math and realize that David and Jordan are the only ones left behind, meaning they will be doing the terrifying two-on-one. Both guys interview about the other one and neither really seems interested in the Becca part of the equation.

Colton and Becca snuggle and he confesses that she makes it easy for him to take down his walls. His emotional rawness is like catnip to Becca and she hands him the date rose.

They ride a double decker bus down the strip and there’s a giant neon sign with the words “Kiss Her!” on it. Colton obliges and then some. Colton interviews that he’s falling in love with Becca.

On the hunt for Mr. Las Vegas

The next day, the guys head out and all they know is that Becca is looking for Mr. Las Vegas. They arrive at a gaudy estate complete with peacocks and horses.

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Becca is there and she introduces the bro-testants to The Wayne Newton. First Richard Marx, now Wayne Newton.

The producers really know how to appeal to a younger generation of viewers, huh? Wayne Newton arrives by horseback and he can almost move his frozen mouth as he gives them a tour of his property.

Wayne introduces his wife and sings to her lovingly. He wants the contestants to write their own lyrics about Becca to the tune of Danke Shoen. Isn’t this virtually the same date Chris had to go on with Richard Marx?

Back at the hotel suite, David tries to provoke Jordan. Colton can’t believe he’s stuck in a room with these two lunatics. He misses the spitting camel.

Back at Wayne Newton’s estate, the guys are trying to sweetly write about a woman they’ve known for two weeks.

Chris acknowledges that this is basically the same date he had at Capitol Records. He’s confident he has a leg up on the other guys. After all, he already wrote a terrible love song about the woman he barely knows!

Wills is in a matching floral shirt and shorts and I’m here for it. Wills, you are too good for this show.

We learn that Wayne Newton is torturing the bro-testants by forcing them to perform in front of a live crowd. At least they get some free tuxes out of the humiliation.

They all look petrified and I don’t blame them. This is basically my worst nightmare come to life.

It’s time to serenade Becca!

The guys all have varying degrees of cringe-worthy moments, but they give it a shot. Chris performs last and really works the crowd. He drops the mic on the date, so to speak. However, his confidence in interview is so out of control that I immediately lose any appreciation for this performance. He had a few clever rhymes and engaged the crowd. No one is winning a Grammy here, buddy.

The bro-testants enjoy some cocktails together and Garrett steals her away for some alone time. Becca and Garrett give each other major googly eyes. Who is taking bets on Garrett making it to Home Towns?

The official two-on-one date card arrives. Jordan and David bicker back and forth and Colton tells them that they’re rams on a mountain. I love Colton.

Chris is chilling on the couch and not worrying about his one-on-one time with Becca, while the other guys are stealing her away. He ranks himself as a frontrunner. To be clear, he gives himself that position based upon his original song performed off-key in a Vegas lounge.

Someone is falling in love, for real this time

Blake confesses his feelings for Becca and uses the magic Bachelorette words, “I’m falling in love with you.” Becca knows he’s not pulling a Jean Blanc, Blake has got it bad. She interviews that she’s falling in love with him too.

Becca returns to the group and gives the date rose to Blake. Chris is furious that he didn’t get any alone time with Becca first — and that he didn’t get the date rose despite his superior musical performance. He starts ranting about it in front of the dudes and he’s wondering about leaving of his own volition tonight…which to me sounds like, “I don’t want to get rejected so I’m going to take myself out of the running.”

It’s time for the two-on-one date, aka War of the D-Bags!

Next, Becca, Jordan, and David are going glamping in the desert. I feel like by the end of the night, someone could end up buried in the sand mob-style, never to be found again.

Becca and David step away first. David knows that snitches get stitches (after all, just look at his face), but he still talks about Jordan. He tells Becca that Jordan was checking out other girls in the casino the night before. David says that Jordan thinks it’s “settling” to be with Becca, who is triggered by memories of that unsalted rice cake, Arie. David spends all his time speaking about Jordan and I wonder if that will come back to bite him.

Becca immediately shares all of this with Jordan. Jordan denies everything and is clearly furious.

Becca tells Jordan that he makes her laugh every time they sit down together, but she wants to know more about him. Jordan shares that he is a loyal person and that stems from watching his dad love his mom for the last 27 years, despite her multiple mental illnesses. He says that he’s unapologetically himself which the other contestants don’t like, and that seems true. You guys, I think I like Jordan. Am I in too deep?

Becca needs some time to think and so do I. The editors have stopped giving Jordan the villain cut and I don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore.

Is being “worse than Arie” 2018’s biggest insult?

We’re back and Jordan is furious. He confronts David and there’s something about “the greatest power” and I can’t understand whether the greatest power is love or if it is Jordan himself? Oh man, he just called David, “Worse than Arie.”

Becca sits down with the two of them. Jordan starts yelling about David’s lies and Becca wants to know if the word “settling” was ever used. She doesn’t get a clear answer and calls them both out for being petty sixth graders. She walks off and they continue bickering back and forth. Who thinks they’re both going home tonight?

Becca returns and despite her frustration, she decides to send only David home. She wants to talk to Jordan further before deciding what to do about him. Becca and Jordan leave and David stays in the desert, never to be seen or heard from again.

Jordan leaves the desert victorious

Jordan leaves with Becca and brags about it in his interview. His smirk on their car ride is so obnoxious that I’m instantly hating him again. Dang, those editors are good. But David was too focused on Jordan and not on Becca. It was time for him to go home regardless. We’ll see if Jordan survives much longer.

Jordan and Becca put on their fancy clothes for a dinner they won’t eat. He admits that he was shaken by the David stuff. She loves that he makes her laugh, but she wants him to go deeper. Jordan starts describing his skincare routine and demonstrating his Zoolander moves. He wishes he could show her his portfolio. Becca realizes that even though he said he wants to know more about her, it’s all about him.

Back at the hotel, Chris is sulking about the last date and he says that Becca needs to win him over. Is Chris our new villain?

Jordan can’t blue steel his way to a rose

Becca and Jordan are laughing at the table and he thinks he’s getting a rose. Oh snap! He is very much mistaken. Becca realizes that there is something missing in their relationship and she breaks the news to him that he’s leaving. Jordan is in shock. He wishes he knew what she didn’t like about him.

There is celebrating back at the hotel suite as the bro-testants realize that Jordan is being sent home. Jordan says he’s still looking for love. Should we take bets on whether he is being flown directly to Bachelor in Paradise?

Time for the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party

Chris is losing his mind and his insecurities are showing. Becca grabs Chris and interviews that she’s confused by his behavior the other night. He tells her he feels “owed kisses,” which is not the way to start. Just to be clear, readers, no one is ever owed physical affection. Becca interrupts and explains that his attitude confuses her. She heard he wasn’t sure if he wanted to be here anymore. Chris says he doesn’t think she realizes how much he likes her, but Becca calls him out on his inaction the other night. She is majorly frustrated and walks away.

The other guys generously give Chris some advice about his behavior. His voice cracks as he gets very emotional.

Chris interrupts her time with the adorably patterned Wills. Becca denies him, saying that she and Wills just sat down. Chris tries again. Wills, because he is too good for this show, agrees to give him two minutes if that’s okay with Becca.

Chris confesses his feelings and after his time is up, Wills returns. But Chris hasn’t finished pouring his heart out. Wills politely asks him to leave. They eye each other stoically.

After Chris attempts to win a staring contest with Wills, Becca finally tells Chris that she’ll find him later. When Wills sits down with her, he has to be the emotional regulator once again, making her comfortable and happy like he did post-Jean Blanc.

When he returns to the guys, Wills calmly speaks to the very irrational Chris. The other dudes come to Wills’ defense as well. Chris continues to argue and does nothing to endear himself to the contestants. He is spiraling.

Becca, true to her word, pulls him aside at the end. He tries to sell himself to her and she rightly wonders why he was so quick to contemplate jumping ship. He tries to explain and we’ll see at the rose ceremony if it worked.

Will Chris survive the Rose Ceremony?

Roses are handed out to: Garrett, Jason, Wills, Lincoln (noooo!), Leo, Connor, Chris

Eliminated: John, our adorable nerd, is sent packing. Hey, San Francisco girls, hit him up! You know he’s got to be on Bumble.

Next up, they’re going to Virginia to save money on production.

This episode receives four out of five Meghan Markles for how much it made me believe in true love, thanks largely to Blake’s declaration to Becca.

Next: Becca says Garrett didn't get the first kiss on night one!

Watch The Bachelorette on Monday nights at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.