Bachelor in Paradise episode 4 recap: Hot mess in Mexico!

After watching the fourth episode of Bachelor in Paradise, it’s clear the show should be renamed to Bachelor in Crazyville.

It’s a stretch to use the word “paradise” to describe a show that’s such a hot mess. Now, don’t get me wrong – there’s nothing I like more than a little Bachelor-style drama, but this season of Paradise makes my head spin.

But, because I’m dedicated to all things Bachelor, I’m watching every minute of this train wreck. If you missed Monday night’s show, here’s a quick recap.

Chris was just kidding

Last week, Chris tried to convince Tia he was there for her.

Then he kissed Krystal and bragged about kissing his first blonde.

Good job trying to redeem yourself after being a total d-bag on the Bachelorette, Chris.

Colton immediately tattled on Chris — he ran to Tia to let her know Chris’ lips were on another girl.

All because Colton is Tia’s friend/part-time boyfriend and he cares what happens to her.

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Tia was ticked off and marched over to give Chris a piece of her mind.

Krystal showed up and threw glitter all over everyone, but it didn’t help the situation. (kidding, she didn’t throw glitter

Just hours after telling Tia he was totally into her, he told her he wasn’t interested anymore.

Let’s just hope Krystal keeps him in check because Chris has no idea what he wants.

Colton flips a coin

Speaking of not knowing what he wants … let’s discuss the Colton-Tia situation.

Shortly after Tia realized her 24-second relationship with Chris is over, she confirmed that she’s only there for Colton.

his is not news, Tia.

Minutes later, Jacqueline walked in and asked Colton out on a date. Tia sent murderous vibes to Colton from high atop the Bachelor in Paradise lookout tower. He turned Jacqueline down and told Tia he wants to give their relationship a try. OMG.

What. Is. Happening?

Clearly, Colton flipped a coin and decided “heads” meant stay and “tails” meant he should leave the show. Guess it landed on heads, which really means “more time on the show = more Instagram followers and a better shot at getting the Bachelor gig.

C’mon now — we all know he’s not going to stick with Tia. If a guy isn’t sure from the get-go, it will rarely work out. Anyway, COLTIA will go on a double date on episode 5 (Aug. 21) with Tia’s BFF Raven Gates and her boyfriend. Adam. More on that tomorrow.

Jordan needs to grow up

Jordan is extremely jealous of David and throws a hissy fit after the Chicken Guy gave Jenna a gigantic stuffed bear.

The big question is, did David order the bear on Amazon and get same day delivery? I don’t think there’s a gift shop in Paradise.

Jordan took the poor bear and threw it in the ocean. Then he flipped out on everyone and told Chelsea and Jubilee to “shut the f**k up” for no apparent reason. Meltdown, much, Jordan?

Obviously, his immaturity is showing through. What happened to professionality?

And did anyone save the bear? I think I fell asleep for a few minutes and may have missed that.

There are other people in Paradise

You’d never know it, but Tia, Colton, and Jordan aren’t the only people in Paradise. Supposedly, there are other relationships developing, but they aren’t getting much airtime.

Kenny kissed Annaliese, Jacqueline, and Bibiana but he only has one rose to give out.

Astrid and Kevin shared a gigantic sausage. Kevin still refuses to wash his hair. Astrid is hilarious.

Joe and Kendall seem to be happy, but Leo is coming to Paradise soon, so get ready for a bizarre love triangle to begin.

Caroline is bummed because she paid more attention to cats than John during their date so now he’s with Jubilee. Props to Caroline for knowing what’s most important — pets rule.

Shocking rose ceremony

Just kidding. It wasn’t shocking at all.

Colton gave his half-hearted rose to Tia.

Sweaty Kevin gave his rose to Astrid.

Eric gave his rose to Angela. I had no idea they were still in Paradise.

Chris gave his rose to Krystal and promised to never wear a headband again.

David gave Chelsea a rose so he could stick around and pursue Jenna.

Kenny gave his rose to Annaliese. Totally don’t see the connection here, but okay … maybe I was having a snack and missed something.

Predictable and sweet Joe gave his rose to Kendall.

Jenna accepted Jordan’s rose even though he’s an immature little twit who tried, and failed, to make a Wills-style fashion statement.

Four girls (Caroline, Bibiana, Jacqueline, and Nysha) went home with their hearts shattered after spending a few days with guys who will soon be sliding into the DMs of the next Bachelor‘s girls.

Don’t worry, girls. There’s always next season…

Get ready for another riveting episode of Bachelor in Paradise on Tuesday night!