It’s episode two of The Bachelorette and I’m still over here, mourning the loss of Grocery Store Joe. But perhaps he’ll live another day in Bachelor Nation.
Let me pray to the Bach Gods and Chris Harrison that we’ll see this watermelon peddler again someday.
After the slaughter that was the first week’s rose ceremony, it is time to batten down the hatches and prepare ourselves for this week’s eliminations. Who has what it takes to go the distance and who is just a flash in the proverbial pan? And more importantly, how well will I do in my fantasy league this week? (Spoiler alert: not well, apparently!)
Let’s dive in and see who scores points this week with our Bachelorette, Becca Kufrin!
The bros wake up and Chris Harrison has arrived. Chris doesn’t recognize David, the Chicken Guy, who is way cuter without the chicken suit. Chris warns the guys not to mess around. If Becca doesn’t see it happening, she’ll cut them loose. I think we call this “foreshadowing.”
The first group date card is delivered and we discover that Clay, Nick, Chris R., David, Jean Blanc, Jordan, Connor, and Lincoln have been selected for the Hunger Games.
Our only clue about the date is that it says, “I’m ready for my big day!” I thought this wasn’t Married at First Sight?
A dirty first group date
It’s time for the Group Date at Saddlerock Ranch in Malibu. Becca is beaming in a slinky white dress. Is this Married at First Sight?
She explains to the bro-testants that she was pampered on her first date, so she’s going to pamper them. This means tuxedos, shoes, and bubbly! The guys transform into James Bondwannabes and it’s abs galore! Becca is blushing adorably, “Lincoln is a block of muscle.”
Jordan starts doing a runway walk and showing the guys how it’s done. He is the Pensive Gentleman, after all. Becca asks Jordan for modeling advice. He tells her, “Put your confidence on first.” He also mentions pantyhose. Jordan, she isn’t Kate Middleton attending a royal garden party. No one wears pantyhose anymore.
Becca reveals that this date is about to get dirty, tough, and that she brought some friends. Rachel and Bryan! Rachel, the best thing to happen to Bach Nation, is back! I hope she throws more shade at Arie.
This is a Groomsday challenge! It’s an obstacle course that the contestants must undertake in their finest tuxedos. According to Rachel, it will be fun and messy . . . just like relationships. Can Rachel and Bryan host their own show? I’m into it.
Becca is looking for a guy who won’t quit: subtext, not Arie. The guys, dressed to the nines, must attach a literal ball and chain (because apparently we can’t get past this antiquated marriage stereotype) to their ankle as they sprint to the “Cold Feet” challenge. The guys then jump into cold buckets of ice water and turn over a timer. When the sand runs out, they can rush to the next challenge.
The well dressed proposal rehearsal obstacle course of DOOM! #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/1uPyDesvkp
— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) June 5, 2018
The bro-testants shiver as Bryan reminds them that shrinkage happens to everyone. Clay is surprisingly calm and comfortable. He apparently does this after every practice, so this is just another day at the office for him.
Lincoln hops out of the tub and #timergate is born. Did he get out early? There is talk of cheating from the other competitors.
Lincoln makes it up the Slippery Slope, a staircase drenched in some sort of Crisco and soap substance. American Ninja Warrior, this is not.
Lincoln crawls through mud and grabs a bouquet. He is momentarily slowed as his bouquet topples out of the vase. He and another contestant are neck and neck as they search for a ring inside one of several wedding cakes without using their hands. As Lincoln and a rival perform face-first cake smashes (aka, my dream), they both find rings. Lincoln “nudges” him out of the way and makes it to the altar first. Becca is waiting there, hopefully not getting Arie flashbacks as Lincoln mock-proposes.
Connor thinks Lincoln cheated, but where’s the replay? Some photos of the happy “husband and wife,” Lincoln and Becca, are taken at the altar.
Time to steal Becca away
Lincoln asks his “wife” for some one-on-one time. Everyone gets offended and acts like they weren’t about to steal a moment with Becca for themselves. Lincoln tells her he brings out the best in him. And the best of him is him. It’s not really tracking for me, but his smile has me distracted enough not to care.
Becca gives him their “wedding photo” and it’s framed. Lincoln tells Becca he was pretty muddy during their first kiss and he would like to make it up to her. He proceeds to eat her face. Lincoln confesses in interview that kissing Becca is like, “Flying to the moon on the wings of a pegasus while dancing with unicorns on a pot of gold.”
Lincoln, who may or may not be a cheater, is definitely an instigator. He puts his wedding photo on the table to taunt the other contestants.
Back at the mansion, the date card arrives and Blake has been chosen for the first one-on-one.
Back at the post-Groomsday date, the guys are opening up and Becca is feeling the connections. At least she won’t have to hear Arie’s signature, “I love that.” Meanwhile, Lincoln is talking to his “wife” in framed photo form. He’s effing with the other guys and they are not pleased. Neck muscles are being flexed and forehead veins are a-poppin’!
Finally, a confrontation with Connor ensues. First, Connor throws aside the photo. When Lincoln places it back on the coffee table, Connor tosses it off the balcony to the delight of his fellow competitors. Who is the one childish now? The glass shatters and so does Lincoln’s very dramatic heart.
Are you #teamLincoln or #teamConnor?
Meanwhile, Becca sits with Jean Blanc who speaks the official language of Bach Nation, using words like “journey.” He makes the move for a kiss and she’s into it. Unlike Lincoln, this kiss is a little less “bite the head off of your prey.”
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The framed photo controversy continues. Lincoln steals Becca away and asks for another picture. He tells her what Connor did. Lincoln claims he feels threatened and that Connor has no respect.
Becca is disappointed in Connor. We all know that’s worse than her being mad. She wants Connor to explain himself. He claims that Lincoln is not genuine. Becca understands how he felt, but she’s nervous that he got so aggressive. She doesn’t want to continue their one-on-one time that evening. Connor is embarrassed and nervous that he’s on the chopping block.
Becca picks up the coveted date rose and wants to give it to someone who is taking this experience the most seriously. She gives it to Jean Blanc. Lincoln is stabbed in the heart again and blames Connor.
A smashing one-on-one date
The bro-testants are still debating the Incident of the fake wedding photo the next morning. Lincoln tearfully tells the others that the photo is “a badge of honor for me.” He claims that watching it be broken broke his heart. Lincoln is literally crying over this fake wedding picture.
The other guys are skeptical. Quite frankly, they’re probably surprised it’s Lincoln, and not Jordan, who is acting like this. Jordan questions the authenticity of Lincoln’s accent. Please let it be fake.
Becca got frustrated on her first group date and so she’s excited for her one-on-one date with Blake. They arrive at a downtown Los Angeles warehouse. Chris is standing outside with a sledgehammer.
Chris reveals sledgehammers and coveralls for Becca and Blake. They walk into the warehouse and see Arie’s race car and televisions replaying the proposal. The best detail? The actual couch that Arie broke up with Becca on. That thing has no resale value — they might as well destroy it! Lil Jon pops up out of nowhere. You know, like on most first dates. He explains they are going to purge the bad memories of Becca’s failed relationship by destroying all of this stuff.
Becca is psyched for this challenge. She immediately climbs on top of the race car and slams the windshield. She and Blake go to town destroying everything in the room, including a champagne glass tower and televisions replaying the infamous Arie proposal. Blake watches the destruction and gets a preview of what would happen to his knees if he crosses Becca.
Becca and Blake go for a dinner date where they won’t eat anything, per their talent agreements.
Becca enjoyed the sledgehammer date more than her first date with Arie. Most dates are better when they’re not with the human equivalent of an unsalted rice cake. Blake describes a past relationship where he saw his ex’s texts from a friend asking if she’d broken up with him yet. Ouch.
Back at the mansion, the doorbell rings and they receive a Group Date Card naming Garrett, Rickey, John, Ryan, Alex, Chris, Trent, Leo, Wills, and Colton. Mike and random guy I don’t recognize, allegedly named Jason, still haven’t gotten dates. Jason may be auditioning for a Wolf of Wall Street sequel.
Back at the Warwick, Becca and Blake continue to not eat dinner. These two goobers are making googly eyes at each other. I’m pretty sure heart emojis explode on screen as she gives him the date rose. Becca kisses him at the table and then when they leave, she goes in for some more kisses. She’s got it bad.
Group date #2: Balls, balls, balls!
The guys jump on a literal school bus. Becca, in her best athleisure wear, greets them outside a school. It’s time for balls, ball, balls once again!
They head into a gymnasium where three kids with SAG cards present the challenge better than Chris Harrison. I vote for one of them to host next season!
They do some gym class drills and then start launching balls at the guys at 100 mph. The bro-testants eventually use Becca as a human shield because they’re gentlemen.
Next, it’s time for the Ultimate Dodgeball Championship at an indoor trampoline park. Chris Harrison and Fred Willard (for those Best in Show fans) are commentating. It’s Pink vs. Green as the guys divide up.
The dodgeball game begins and this is testosterone at its best. Leo is sporting a man bun and repeatedly becomes the last man standing for the pink team. Ultimately, however, green team wins.
Becca is happy that this date night (so far) was drama-free. The producers do not feel the same.
Becca sits down with Wills whose name is plural. This is our first real look at Wills and he’s a cutie. He asks what she wants in a partner and she says teammate. His parents have been together for 50 years, and this sort of The Notebook scenario is an aphrodisiac that Becca cannot resist. He goes in for a kiss and I think it’s successful. He’s more low-key than many of the bro-testants, but she seems impressed.
The Tia factor
Colton interviews that there’s something Becca doesn’t know and it’s been hanging over him. OH SNAP! He dated Tia! And Tia and Becca are besties.
Prior to coming on to the show, he had a relationship with Tia. “A weekend together,” he says. Oh man, he basically had to own up to a fling because of her friendship with Becca. He says that the timing wasn’t right to grow a spark into a flame. If his feelings were stronger for Tia, he wouldn’t be on the show. Now, would his feelings be stronger for Tia if SHE had been chosen as Bachelorette?
Becca feels a little sick about this, despite her admitted attraction to him. Becca, you don’t know the half of it. I’d be more concerned that he dated an Olympic gymnast . . . just saying.
This reveal about Tia dims her enthusiasm about Colton. But what about his dog??? I just want Colton to make it to Hometowns so we can meet his adorable dog, Sniper.
Becca gives her rose to Wills! She’s questioning the intentions of some of the other guys. Is this another Not the Right Reasons situation? Becca is losing trust in the bro-testants.
Chicken Guy vs. the Pensive Gentleman
Becca arrives in a killer blue sparkly dress, ready to intimidate her suitors.
Clay brings Becca outside and suggests they do some touchdown celebration moves. It’s adorable and so is he. He drops a Vikings reference and both Becca and this Minnesotan recapper are excited. They kiss and I hope she keeps Clay around another week, if only because he imagines a scenario in which the Vikings would be celebrating a touchdown.
Connor tries to make up for his earlier behavior with the fake wedding photo. He gives her a framed photo of himself from that dark day, aka yesterday, and has her throw it into the pool.
Jordan is plotting how he will make a real impression and suddenly he’s undressing. He gets down to his briefs and it causes quite the stir among the contestants. Jordan, dressed only in his skivvies, interrupts Chicken Guy’s alone time with Becca. Chicken Guy spirals and questions Jordan’s intentions. Jordan tells Becca that he wants to name his first born after himself and no one is surprised.
Chicken Guy questions whether Jordan is disrespectful to the sanctity of the cocktail hour. Jordan is the worst, but I have to say, I wouldn’t want to be lectured about the dress code by a guy who wore a chicken suit. Chicken Guy asks if there is foul play and I shout FOWL at the screen because there is nothing I love more than a pun!
Becca and Colton have a sit down to discuss the Tia situation. Becca is confused about what to do because Colton is super hot, but he may be a Bach Nation groupie who wants to promote protein shakes on his Insta-story. Will she send him home?
The rose ceremony
I love that Jordan is still wearing the comforter and briefs for this ceremony.
Roses get handed out to:
Chris R.
Jason
John
Clay
Mike
Connor
Leo
David (Chicken Guy)
Garrett
Nick
Ryan
Christon
Jordan (Producer’s pick)
Lincoln
Colton
We say goodbye to Rickey, Trent (who?), and a very tearful and probably exhausted Alex.
Next week the bro-testants meet Becca’s sisterhood of fellow Bach Nation contestants and things are about to get awkward between Colton and Tia.
This week’s episode receives 2 out of 5 Meghan Markles for how much it made me believe in true love.
Next: 3 things to know about Colton and Tia
Watch The Bachelorette on Monday nights at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.