Quick-take reactions on The Bachelorette Becca’s leading men

The Becca Kufrin’s season of The Bachelorette starts on Monday night. The first episode tends to be the most exciting one, as we meet the contestants.

The list Becca’s men has been revealed. I’ll be taking the first glance at these guys as I’m writing this article and will provide my immediate reactions to each one of them.

Here we go…

ALEX:

Age: 31

Job: Construction Manager

Residence: Atlanta, GA

Reaction: Well, isn’t he a cheery fella. The only thing I’m certain he can manage is those overly pearly whites. His nose seriously rivals that of The Joker.

BLAKE:

Age: 28

Job: Sales Rep

Residence: Bailey, CO

Reaction: Having a square job usually is a good strong feature on a man, but having a square head like Blake, not quite the same impact. At least his flat top haircut matches. Now, about that damn shirt. Any chance he can button it up even further up his throat?

CHASE:

Age: 27

Job: Advertising VP

Residence: Sanford, FL

Reaction: A little bit of a creeper smile. Rockin’ that chest taco meat. Wonder if that birds nest can hold up on his head? Big teeth. Totally will be promoting whitening products after his run ends on the show.

CHRIS:

Age: 30

Job: Sales

Residence: Orlando, FL

Reaction: Poor man’s version of Ben Stiller (emphasis on poor man’s). He’s in sales? Would you buy anything from this man?

CHRISTIAN:

Age: 28

Job: Banker

Residence: San Diego, CA

Reaction: This dude screams banker. This man needs to see an esthetician ASAP, those eyebrows!

CHRISTIAN #2

Age: 31

Job: Former member of Harlem Globetrotters

Residence: Los Angeles, CA

Reaction: They still have the Harlem Globetrotter’s around? I thought that was a thing from the 70’s? Anyways, he’s a retired Globetrotter at the age of 31, must be nice. It appears that Christian #2 forgot to retire those earrings back in 2003.

CLAY:

Age: 30

Job: Pro Football Player

Residence: Chicago, IL

Reaction: Clay Harbor “played” football in the NFL. I’m sure the five teams that cut him don’t harbor (pun intended) any bad feelings for the limited production he’s provided for all of them. Now we get to see if he can produce an impression or two on Becca.

COLTON:

Age: 26

Job: Pro Football Player

Residence: Denver, CO

Reaction: Another failed  Colt. He fumbled his chances of remaining an NFL player, but he gets his redemption story with Becca.

CONNOR:

Age: 25

Job: Fitness Coach

Residence: St. Petersburg, FL

Reaction: If Connor could unbutton another button off his shirt he’d be borderline stripping. Dimply face and side flow haircut. He looks like a fitness guy.

DARIUS:

Age: 26

Job: Pharmaceutical Slaes Rep.

Residence: Sherman Oaks, CA

Reaction: Come home Darius, come home. That receding hairline is very real. Nothing else seems to matter about him. Come home..

DAVID:

Age: 25

Job: Venture Capitalist

Residence: Denver, CO

Reaction: You know David, not quite the color scheme that works. Is that a trench coat? Is he ready for a rain day?

GRANT:

Age: 27

Job: Electrician

Residence: Danville, CA

Reaction: Tragic mole alert! Hard not to look away from that neck mole. Those expressive eyebrows aren’t helping either. Hope he can fix the lighting in the mansion.

GARRETT:

Age: 29

Job: Medical Sales

Residence: Reno, NV

Reaction: Uh ohh. Those bug eyes and that thing that resembles a smile. He will either shower you with love and affection or you’ll find yourself locked in boiler room. There are no grey areas with this guy.

JAKE:

Age: 29

Job: Marketing Consultant

Residence: Minneapolis, MN

Reaction: So they brought on a local for Becca. They probably have Bumbled or Tindered and swiped on one another back in Minnesota. I can’t look at his eyes cause they give me a headache. Try looking, I dare you to.

JASON:

Age: 29

Job: Senior Corporate Banker

Residence: Seattle, WA

Reaction: He’s not just a banker, but he’s a senior already. That office must be filled with kids out of college if he’s already a senior member. He just strikes me as a bus boy at a Greek restaurant. If I’m being generous, a waiter at a fine Italian restaurant.

JEAN BLANC:

Age: 31

Job: Colognoisseur?

Residence: Pensacola, FL

Reaction: The material just writes itself with this guy. I’m certain not to draw a “Blanc” when I see him pop-up on the screen. He looks like a Davidoff Cool Water kinda guy.

JOE:

Age: 31

Job: Grocery Store Owner

Residence: Chicago, IL

Reaction: Would I be wrong to say he looks like a plain “Joe”? Ok, so I need to know what grocery store this man owns? Am I a shopper at it? Mariano’s? Jewel? What is it Joe?! I just remembered I need to buy some romaine and a loaf of bread.

JOHN:

Age: 28

Job: Software Engineer

Residence: San Francisco, CA

Reaction: Doesn’t quite strike me as a tech guy, but a banker? Yes. He’s so bland I actually have nothing else to say about him. Hope he’s creating some dating app, he’ll need it soon.

JORDAN:

Age: 26

Job: Model

Residence: Crystal River, FL

Reaction: A cross between a Ken doll and a bro. Could be the younger cousin of Robby Hayes. Otherwise, there is not much about him that stands out. Damn you, pretty man.

KAMIL:

Age: 30

Job: Social Media Participant

Residence: Monroe, NY

Reaction: With a name like Kamil, I’m certain he’s a fellow Polish boy. I’ll have to root for him due to principals. He’s a social media participant, just as everyone in the world who has a Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat and Instagram. He better hope he ends up participating as a Bachelor reject pitchman on Instagram.

LEO:

Age: 31

Job: Stuntman

Residence: Studio City, CA

Reaction: This is what a piss poor version of Jason Mamoa is supposed to look like. Congrats on that Leo. I have a feeling Leo was a cast away on an island for a decade and he just found his way back.

LINCOLN:

Age: 26

Job: Account Sales Exec

Residence: Los Angeles, CA

Reaction: This is a bad version of a flat top. This man must be so busy in sales that he can’t sell himself on a better haircut. What’s that hand doing in your pants, Linc? Get it out, no fondling allowed in Bachelor pics.

MIKE:

Age: 27

Job: Sports Analyst

Residence: Cincinnati, OH

Reaction: Let me analyze something for Mike; your hair is out of damn control. This dude should be on the pro wrestling indie circuit wrestling as ‘The Analyzer”. Cool name for a not so cool looking guy.

NICK:

Age: 27

Job: Attorney

Residence: Orlando, FL

Residence: First it was Jason Mamoa gone wrong in Leo, now it’s Derek Hough gone wrong. Had I known any less I would have thought he was a failed boxer with a schnoz that prominent.

RICKEY:

Age: 27

Job: IT Consultant

Residence: San Diego, CA

Reaction: “Bow tie Rickey” is the best nickname he’ll ever get. This guy looks like he’d be a tenacious NFL linebacker or defensive end, but he ruins all that with the cheesy smile and bow tie.

RYAN:

Age: 26

Job: Banjoist

Residence: Manhattan Beach, CA

Residence: What in the hell is a “banjoist”? Is that an individual who plays the banjo? Is that even a thing? Too many questions for such an irrelevant thing. Only in California.

TRENT:

Age: 28

Job: Realtor

Residence: Naples, FL

Reaction: Would you buy anything from this man? Much less a home. He looks exactly like that annoying overachiever you went to school with that brought his milk and PB&J with him and gleamed over everything.

WILLIS:

Age: 29

Job: Graphic Designer

Residence: Los Angeles, CA

Reaction: Whatcha talkin’ bout Willis? I just had to. Hopefully he’s a good designer, because he’ll have to illustrate a better narrative for himself.

CONCLUSION:

Basically everyone is from either Florida and California. Someone stuffed the ballots in these states.

Two NFL washouts, one failed Atlanta Braves prospect and a banjoist among them. However you put it, this is not a very eclectic group of men.

As Becca annoyingly says in her promos—lets do this damn thing.

Next: Bachelorette Becca: New man, new ring — Arie, who?

Watch The Bachelorette on Monday nights at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.