Bachelorette Investigation: How many of Tayshia’s men are ‘lunch meat?’

Riley’s use of the term ‘lunch meat’ to describe Spencer in the latest Bachelorette episode sparked a needed investigation–which of Tayshia’s men are lunch meat?

The Bachelorette got heated on Tuesday, as new guy Spencer came in a little too hot for some of the existing men. On the group date, Riley told Spencer where he’s from, Spence would be considered lunch meat.

It’s clear this wasn’t a term of endearment, as it was followed with a bit of a warning to tone it down. Spencer shut up quickly, reaffirming his label as a slice of cold protein. This begs the question, though – which of Tayshia’s men would be considered “lunch meat?”

Let’s start with the two who kicked off this whole ordeal:

Riley: Clearly not lunch meat. Riley brought this beautiful term to us when he unleashed his respectful verbal wrath on Spencer, who is definitely lunch meat. Riley keeps it real at all times and remains the gold standard for guys you’d want on your side.

Spencer: This guy isn’t just lunch meat, he’s the small, slimy lunch meat you find in Lunchable packages. He’s possibly slightly expired lunch meat – the best before date is still a week away but he has a certain smell that you just don’t trust. Spence came in a little too hot, which, in lunch meat terms, is not good.

Ben: Definitely not lunch meat. Ben is a wholesome dude, an Army vet and in his ABC bio, he listed an ice bath as his favorite indulgence. I don’t think Ben knows what indulgence means.

Bennett: Our beautiful Harvard alum/post-show comedian is a perfectly prepared medium-rare Porterhouse.

Blake M.: Blake has been taking a lot of heat recently, which, as a fellow Canadian, I stand firmly (but apologetically) against. He’s definitely not lunch meat. Perhaps he’s a strip of Canadian bacon, drizzled in maple syrup.

Brendan: Most definitely not lunch meat. Brendan is an early favorite with Tayshia after the two bonded on the first one-on-one date of her season. The two have shared interests and were able to connect over the fact that they were both divorced. I know we all had a shared displeasure with how quickly Clare wrapped up her season, but I don’t think anyone would be upset if Tayshia left with Brendan tomorrow (except Blake, who probably just bought a book about divorce). NOT lunch meat.

Chasen: The season preview shows Chasen in the heat of a future argument after calling Tayshia a “smoke show.” While he isn’t wrong, there are probably better and more respectful terms to use in that context. Smokeshow guy is a smoked ham – lunch meat.

Demar: I feel like we just met Demar on Tuesday. He’s definitely not lunch meat.

Ed: Okay. Ed is a little tricky because, on one hand, he seems like a great dude. He’s well-liked around the resort, gets along with the guys, and doesn’t have time for wise guys. On the other hand, Ed is the human equivalent of a New York Deli sandwich. The absolute best kind, though. He’s not lunch meat in Riley’s world, but this guy is human salami (like, in a good way).

Ivan: Another guy we met after Clare’s departure. Ivan seems like a very great person, albeit a “recovered Croc enthusiast” (The shoes, I think? If not, that’s pretty cool). Not lunch meat.

Jay: Jay is awesome. He’s building a good relationship with Tayshia and showed in the pool basketball game that he can hoop. He’s officially invited to the next Bachelor basketball tournament. If you don’t show, Jay, you are lunch meat.

Joe: Joe is more like a duck confit. He’s classy and has a lot of flavor. The resident anesthesiologist was fighting COVID both personally and professionally before the show so he’s a hero and not the least bit lunch meat.

Jordan: Jordan looks a lot like the guy in that really cute couple on Tik Tok who never gets mad at his girlfriend no matter what she pranks him with. Truly adorable.

Kenny: Riley jumped in on Spencer bashing after Kenny straight up called him a d**k. By association, this clears Kenny of being lunch meat. Kenny hates cheese, which is kinds sus, but cheese goes well with lunch meat, which Kenny is clearly not.

Montel: I didn’t know Montel was on the show until I double-checked the names of the new contestants. Too early to judge, but Montel seems solid. You wouldn’t find this guy at a Subway (a.k.a. not lunch meat).

Noah: Alright, look. The guy was going to get some slack because it is Movember and his ‘stache is something different, but after getting absolutely bodied by Bennett’s post-episode monologue, Noah was put in the meat slicer.

Peter: I was originally going to put Peter in a sandwich but after his recent, very scary brush with COVID-19, which he opened up about on his Instagram, it’s clear that he’s not a bad person.

Zac: Keep the charcuterie board away from this guy because he is one of the new front runners.

There you have it. It’s early, and there is a lot of time for good meals to spoil, but as of right now, Spencer, Chasen, and Noah are the three items in your fridge you’re going out of your way to avoid.

If they aren’t tossed out soon, these cold cuts may not be cured.

Do you agree with our ‘lunch meat’ analysis on this week’s Bachelorette Investigation? Share your comments below!

The Bachelorette airs Tuesdays at 8:00 p.m. ET on ABC.