The Bachelorette recap episode 4: An axe to the heart


When we last left the bro-testants, the rose ceremony was about to start! Let’s pour a glass of rosé and find out who is sent packing on this week’s Bachelorette!

It’s week four of The Bachelorette and I don’t know if more drama is happening on-screen or off. So far, the mansion has brought broken wrists, bloody faces, bunk bed mishaps, and pensive gentlemen.

The cocktail party continues and Blake goes straight to the kid question with Becca. How many and when can they get started? At one point, he says he wants five kids. Yikes. She wants a family, not a family band.

The guys discuss what David “endured.” Y’all, he fell out of out of his bunk bed. It looked like an awful injury, and as someone who has injured themselves stupidly on more than one occasion, I am empathetic. But come on, I think “endured,” is too strong a word.

Jordan thinks he willed it into the universe himself. How many symptoms of narcissism does Jordan show exhibit before the first commercial break? When he steals Becca away for some one-on-one time, Becca hands him some gold booty shorts since he likes to be in his underwear so much.

David heroically returns in a suit accessorized with an awful black eye. He has a broken nose, but says what hurts most was not being there with Becca. I’m guessing the nose hurt worse, dude. Or maybe his pride? Stick to the bottom bunk, buddy.

Jordan describes David’s face as a Picasso and it becomes clear he’s never seen a Picasso. David gets a rose because Becca isn’t a monster. She hands him the rose so he can go recover without worrying about the ceremony.

Jordan and David are both more concerned about each other than with Becca. Jordan thinks his night is ruined because of his nemesis, David’s, return, but at least he has his golden booty shorts. Jordan refers to David’s rose as a “pity rose.”

It’s finally time for the rose ceremony we were denied last week!

Becca hands roses to: Jason, Wills, Nick (who is wearing a tracksuit so that I can distinguish him from the other generically handsome dudes), Christon, Lincoln, Blake, Garrett, Leo, John, Connor, Jordan, and Jean Blanc.

Eliminated: Ryan (who?), Mike (man bun)

After a moment of silence for our dearly departed bro-testants, Becca announces they’re changing things up! They’re heading to Park City, Utah! Becca is excited to be in a climate similar to her native land. Her winter accessories are on point.

The first one-on-one date in Utah is with Garrett.

What makes a Utah date especially Utah?

I’m guessing it’s less alcoholic and caffeinated than in the rest of the country.

The couple goes shopping for Russian-style winter hats that will come in handy during the coup. These corny goofballs dance around the store in pajamas and then drink some terrible pressed juices.

Becca says that Garrett reminds her of home and she’s right. He does look like a quintessential Minnesotan quarterback, even if he’s one of the few guys this season that doesn’t actually play professional football.

Back at the resort, Lincoln says the earth is flat and I’m done. I can’t.

If I didn’t already think Lincoln was a creep, this sealed the deal.

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Becca and Garrett take a ski lift to the top of the mountain and we discover they’re going bobsledding! This looks like a truly fun date and Lil Jon isn’t even there.

Two legit Olympians instruct them on the ins and outs of the sport and compare it to building a romantic partnership.

When Becca asks what happens if they don’t follow directions, I’m not sure that the Olympian’s answer, “death,” was actually a joke.

As Becca and Garrett speed down the track, you can tell that surviving this experience is already bringing them closer together.

After they live through a real-life Cool Runnings, they pop some bubbly and snuggle under a blanket. This date is highly preferable to getting pummeled on a football field.

Becca interrogates Garrett about his past relationships. He was in a somewhat whirlwind romance. They got divorced after only two months of marriage. Garrett describes it as an emotionally abusive relationship that drove a wedge between him and his friends and family.

Becca’s worried Garrett won’t be ready for the long haul if and when the time comes. He promises he won’t stay in it just to be the last man standing, he wants to fall in love. She hands him the date rose.

It’s time to find out who is going on the group date and who will get a one-on-one. We discover that Jordan, Chris, Blake, Nick, John, Lincoln, Leo, David, Connor, Christon, Jason, Colton, Jean Blanc are all group-dating.

Now it’s back to Garrett and Becca. We’ve arrived at that part of the Bachelorette date where our couple walks into a music venue and gets serenaded by a country band. Like you do. Becca does a great job in the interview of pretending to care about the musical acts on this show. No offense to Hermione Granger or whatever the band’s name is, but you are no Lil Jon.

It’s like Paul Bunyan meets Tinder.

Bachelorette spoilers week 4
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There are 13 guys on this group date and it’s going to be a lumberjack competition. Everything about this is totally normal.

We meet a married lumberjack couple who will be training our bro-testants. Becca grew up watching lumberjack competitions at the state fair. While the other girls were dreaming about Leo DiCaprio and JT, Becca was fantasizing about a guy that wears plaid and smells like sawdust. She and I have a lot in common . . .

Some of the guys are seriously struggling to chop the wood (not a euphemism), and I would say that this is an arbitrary task, except my husband can do it and it is sexy as hell.

The bro-testants have to strip down and throw on some flannels, competing in teams of red or blue plaid. There’s some ax throwing, log flipping, and sawing. Nerdy John is nerding out over his success on the course and it’s pretty adorable.

John gets the Golden Ax “medal” for his surprising performance on the course, including scaling a thirty foot upright log.

Eau de Becca Blanc

At the evening part of their date, the guys are back in the blazers and I’m missing the plaid.

Becca sits with Jason who admits to being nervous and compliments Becca for several minutes before they devour each other’s faces. Becca asks Colton if he’s ever been in love. They promptly get googly-eyed with each other and make out.

The bro-testants start gossiping as they wait for their time with Becca. Colton trash talks Jordan, probably because it is so easy to do. Jordan is Mister Professionality. Case in point, Jordan takes his pants off and it’s gold underwear all the way. When he walks out of his time with Becca gleaming in gold, it sets Colton off.

Colton and Chris confront Jordan. Colton claims that Jordan is a clown (hard to disagree), and he doesn’t want Becca getting hurt again.

Jean Blanc gives her a custom perfume called Becca Blanc. Becca is wondering about Jean’s genuineness. After sitting down with a few other guys, Jean Blanc steals Becca away again.

This time, Jean Blanc says he’s falling for her and may be falling in love. Becca looks shocked and skeptical. She thinks he’s coming on too strong and they’re on very different wavelengths. He overplayed his hand. Jean Blanc is shocked by her rejection and she offers to walk him out.

Jean Blanc then admits he just said what he thought she wanted to hear.

Ouch. That’s a mind f***. Poor Becca.

Becca comes back in to address the guys and emotionally shares what happened. She basically lays down the law – they need to be honest with her or they need to leave. She doesn’t give out a rose tonight.

The next day, Becca is flat-out frustrated with the guys. She doesn’t want anyone wasting their time or hers.

“My name is Wills and I’m going on a one-on-one date with Becca.”

Wills is in the unlucky position of having the one-one-one follow-up date. Will Becca’s feelings carry over into this date? Becca gives a teary interview to discuss her upcoming date, and I want to hug this girl.

Wills looks like Bambi on ice as he trudges through the snow to greet his girl. I hope he is wearing proper snow boots.

Becca and Wills hop on snowmobiles, a Minnesotan pastime, and hit the trails. The PAs have set up a campsite for them to snuggle at. Wills continues to be too good for this show, despite having a plural name. I think they have a really natural dynamic, but I’m not sure if there’s fireworks. He might ultimately not win the heart of Becca, but he’ll win a lot of admirers on Twitter. #TeamWills

Wills and Becca sit down for dinner (where they won’t eat). Wills describes when his heart was broken. His girlfriend wanted a “hall pass” (he did not), and then he spotted her out with another guy. He shares his relationship fears and Becca is impressed by his openness. She gives him the date rose. Ohh, and there’s some outdoor making out. Maybe I was wrong about the fireworks with these two!

The next day, Nick (who?) is concerned that he didn’t get any time with Becca during the group date because of that Jean Blanc situation. Chris Harrison arrives and drops a bomb: no cocktail party. Becca knows what she wants to do.

The Rose Ceremony

Receiving a rose: Leo, Colton, Blake, Jason, Connor, Lincoln (dammit), John, Chris, David, and finally, Jordan. Christon and Nick, we barely knew thee…

Is Becca playing ball with the producers and keeping Jordan around, or does she actually like him? Have they threatened to replay her break-up with Arie on repeat if she doesn’t keep Jordan for the drama? Does he look better in those gold undies in person?

This episode receives 1 out of 5 Meghan Markles for how much it made me believe (or not believe) in forever love. Thanks a lot, Jean Blanc.

Next: Look who's heading to Paradise this summer!

Watch The Bachelorette on Monday nights at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.