The Bachelorette episode 3 recap: The bloody battle for Becca

Last we left our Minnesotan and her bro-testants, there were tears, Lil Jon, shattered glass, and male models without pants. What will episode three on this journey to find Becca Kufrin’s forever love bring us?

It’s a rare rainy day in SoCal and everyone’s getting along with one another except Jordan and David, the Chicken Guy. And probably the participants of Framed PhotoGate, although we’ve apparently abandoned that story line this week. Chicken Guy is talking sh** about Jordan. Jordan calls him a dry chicken, and let’s face it, chicken is already disappointing enough if it’s not fried. It better not be dry too.

I’m still hoping Colton overcomes the Tia Situation so we can see his dog during Home Towns. But that doesn’t mean I trust his intentions., just his taste in adorable puppies.

Chris Harrison arrives to remind the guys not to mess around because not everyone is getting a rose. Coming up, there will be two group dates and one one-on-one date.

Welcoming Becca’s girl squad, including Colton’s ex!

We’re in a hotel room with Becca when her girl squad arrives. I missed Jailbate Bekah, Taxidermy Kendall, and too-smart-for-reality-shows Seinne. They’ve been her biggest supporters since the breakup with that low carb tortilla, Arie.

It’s time for the first group date with Wills, Jason, Jordan, David, Jean Blanc, and Colton.

Becca reveals that they’re going to the spa and the guys don’t know that these ladies are her wing women. Becca shares with the others that Tia and Colton dated. The big question is – was Colton hoping that Tia was actually the Bachelorette, not Becca? Is he there for the right reasons?

The gals get in their comfy bathrobes. Let’s take bets on who tries to sneak one of those into their bag on the way out.

The men arrive and Becca tells the guys, “Instead of you guys getting pampered, you’ll be doing the pampering!” She has some special clients to introduce them to.

One of every man’s worst nightmares plays out, as Colton finds himself in a room with both Tia and Becca. He’s silently trying to disappear into the wall.

Becca introduces everyone. She forget’s Jason’s name. Just like America has every week.

The guys put on their cult-like spa uniforms. Jason attempts to get into Colton’s head, interrogating Colton about the Tia Situation at the producer’s request. You need to do what you need to do to get screen time, right?

A one-on-one with Tia

The guys pamper the girls, but Becca steals Tia and her hair extensions away to question her about what happened with Colton. Tia says they only ever kissed and they weren’t serious. He told her about applying for the show early on.

Becca asks her, “Do you think he was hoping it was you?” Tia prays he’s there for Becca. Becca and Tia then show more of an emotional connection than Arie ever did with any of his contestants.

The evening part of the group date begins and Becca is in a banging red dress and a coat that I’m coveting.

Jean Blanc pulls a fast one on the rest of the guys and steals Becca immediately. The guys start debating who is getting the rose and the mood is tense.

Becca is trying to recover from forgetting Jason’s name by pretending she has a crush on this American Psycho cosplayer. But in his defense, he’s a lot less Patrick Bateman-esque on the show.

Jordan’s 100% success rate on Tinder

Meanwhile, Jordan claims he’s gotten 4,000 matches on Tinder and a 100% match success rate. The guys, who know their Tinder algorithms, interrogate him about his swiping and time spent on the app. Wills’ “over it” reaction to Jordan is everything. Someone please gif that for me. Thanks! Real talk – is Wills too good for this show?

David steals Becca away and he immediately tattles on Jordan about his Tinder profile. Becca comes out and gives Jordan a high-five of congratulations, which is a boss move. Jordan calls David a b****. David probably should have taken this time to deepen his relationship with Becca, instead of talking about another guy.

Becca wants to know how Jordan is in a relationship. I would guess…intolerable? He says he’s a golden retriever. I see him more as a show dog.

The other guys are drinking and giggling. David is a little instigator and it’s not his best look. Maybe even worse than the chicken suit? The other guys are covering their faces, barely able to hold it together. Jordan mentions his agency again. Jordan claims he has “professionality” and I’m getting that put on a shirt immediately.

Colton opens up to Becca

Becca and Colton finally sit down together. Colton says he wants to be open and honest and his emotions for her are real. They kiss. Becca leaves to grab the date rose and brings it to Colton. There’s some more making out and she’s forgotten about Tia…Tia who? She hands him the date rose. The other men are pouting in the next room.

Jordan shares in interview that he is going to be extremely implicit with his strategy. Do we think he means implicit or explicit?

The one-on-one date card goes to Chris! Someone I forgot was on the show!

Time for the one-one-one date! Becca and Chris arrive at Capitol Records. Chris is wearing his best skinny jeans and denim/sweatshirt hoodie for the occasion. Becca is wearing her best pop singer Halloween costume.

Richard Marx, producer and man with the frozen face, is inside playing piano. Fun fact, did you know he was married to Daisy Fuentes of Daisy Fuentes Style and MTV VJ fame?

Becca sings a song with Richard. And then we learn that Becca cannot sing.

Richard is going to help Chris and Becca write a love song. Seeing as they’ve spent 30 seconds together, this might be challenging. Chris looks terrified. This is the look I get on my face when you ask me to dance in public or do math in my head.

Becca is having fun and Chris is hiding in the hall and thinking about his parents’ divorce. Apparently, the last time he put his thoughts on paper and wrote a letter to his estranged dad, he was rejected. This just got heavy and Chris is struggling. Becca says she will never judge Chris. Until the rose ceremony?

Becca and Chris read their lyrics and it’s not much worse than what is on the radio right now. Richard plays their “song” and this episode just hit another level of cheese. I’m not complaining, I’m just saying the Velveeta is strong with this one.

Part two of the one-on-one date begins and Becca and Chris changed into their fancy clothes. Becca presses Chris about his emotional reaction to the writing task. He explains how he wrote a letter a few years ago to his father and did not hear back. He is very eloquent at expressing his emotions. Becca hands him the date rose and smooches ensue. Twenty points to Gryffindor! Becca and Chris get serenaded by Richard as they slow dance in an empty ballroom. This guy suddenly became a contender.

What the bloody hell is happening?

We’re back at the mansion where some sort of medical emergency. There is blood everywhere.

What. Is. Happening???

Chris Harrison arrives at Becca’s door. He reveals that there was an incident at the house. One of the guys was rushed to the hospital and he is in intensive care. He has a busted face. Becca assumes one of the testosterone junkies she is dating is responsible, but David fell out of bed and landed on his face. He’s going to be okay. Someone never had the top bunk before!

David sure went to extreme lengths to ensure a rose. She can’t eliminate the guy with the broken nose, can she?

In classic Jordan fashion, Jordan attaches a bed safety rail to a bed.

Group date number two is tough to tackle!

Group date #2: Clay, Leo (The Hair), Christon, Ryan, John, Garrett, Mike, Lincoln, Connor, and Blake

Lincoln is there so let’s see how long until the tears start or the accusations of cheating begin.

This is the perfect date for Becca and her guys. Becca is from Minnesota which means it is her genetic duty to root for the Vikings. And then be disappointed. I’m still experiencing some PTSD from last season. #bringithome

A few female football players arrive and they are badasses. They put the guys through the wringer as they must complete drills like agility ladders, high jumps, and the Nike shuffle. Lincoln struggles and we just know he prefers soccer.

Clay has been the teddy bear up until this point, but Becca gets to see his hardcore football player side. They’re going to divide into two teams and play a game. It can’t be worse than the last Vikings playoff game.

Keyshawn Johnson is there to commentate with Chris Harrison. Christon describes his fellow players’ positions. Ryan is “miscellaneous.”

This is not touch football.

Garrett kicks off and it’s better than the Vikings’ special teams. Clay throws the first touchdown, followed by Garrett on the other team. Lincoln keeps talking about winning for Becca, but he doesn’t know if he’s playing on offense or defense at any given time.

Clay singlehandedly leads his team to come back and tie the score. After taking on the entire other team by himself, Clay needs to be checked out by the medics. It’s the second injury requiring an ambulance in this episode. He’s taken to the ER.

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The second part of the date ensues with cocktails at an antiques shop with sounds exactly like Los Angeles. Garrett asks Becca to cup his butt, aka tackle him. She doesn’t need an excuse and they make out.

Blake is feeling insecure with the girl he likes dating twenty other guys. What a weirdo. Blake tells Becca how he just wants to cuddle with her on a rainy day and calls her his girlfriend. She gets giddy.

Broken wrist or broken heart?

Clay returns in a sling. He can’t believe he got hurt playing football on The Bachelorette and neither can we. Becca and Clay slip away and Becca shares how she appreciates that while he was in his element, he didn’t show off in front of the other guys.

Becca gives the date rose to Clay, and Garrett and Blake are plotting how to break their wrists too.

It’s time for the rose ceremony cocktail hour and Becca arrives in a strapless red gown.

Connor steals Becca first and brings her to a mock-baseball field in the driveway that some PA set up for him.

Clay arrives and reveals that he needs surgery. But this would mean the end of his time on the show! It’s a tough decision because he is a football player and that’s his job. Let’s face it, he shouldn’t throw that away for a reality dating show. But Becca is so cute and she’s a Vikings fan, which means she must be loyal to a fault. What’s a pro-football player to do?

Clay reveals his situation to Becca and decides he has to leave and take care of the injury, so he can ultimately keep playing and support his loved ones. Becca and Clay are both teary and so am I. I’m going to miss this cutie. He seems like a truly lovely human, which is not necessarily the case with most of these bro-testants. #JusticeForClay

No effing rose ceremony?! Bachelorette, how dare you?!

Next: Look who's heading to Paradise this summer!

Watch The Bachelorette on Monday nights at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.