The Bachelorette recap: Who does Becca send packing in the season 14 premiere?

The Bachelorette season 14 has finally arrived!

Who is here for the “right reasons?” Who is ready to embark on this journey to find “forever love” with Becca Kufrin? And who is this season’s Whaboom (hopefully no one)?

We’ve waited months for it, and finally, our reward for suffering through the human embodiment of a saltine cracker, otherwise known as Arie’s season, has arrived: Becca K. is our Bachelorette!

Becca experienced one of the most cringe-worthy and dramatic break-ups in history courtesy of Arie. If anyone has earned a six week make-out session with various hotties, it’s this girl. In exchange for Arie breaking off their engagement to pursue Lauren B., ABC has granted Becca the coveted position of season 14’s Bachelorette. Grab your glass of rosé and let’s do the damn thing!

As a native Minnesotan myself, I know that Becca Kufrin must be a strong woman. If she can handle 9 months of winter a year, she can handle having her heart broken by the human equivalent of a reduced-fat Triscuit in front of millions of viewers. I have confidence she’s rebounding just fine and I’m thrilled she’s our newest Bachelorette.

Now she has 28 guys to choose from! But who will she send packing on the very first night? And who will snag the first impression rose?

Of course we have to start with Becca ugly crying post-Arie break-up.

Reliving the unedited break-up is giving me a visceral reaction. No human should have to watch the playback of their relationship ending. I hope Becca is averting her eyes.

Back in Minnesota, we see Becca walking through the snow. She tells us she thought she’d found her “forever,” but she was wrong. She’s got the Bachelorette vocabulary down pat.

The producers are leaning hard into Becca as the girl next door. She’s in a t-shirt, no gowns yet. She’s hot, but still approachable.

Becca, now in Los Angeles, speeds along in a convertible. She’s meeting with her squad at the mansion, three former Bachelorettes: Kaitlyn, JoJo, and Rachel. I have to say, the Bachelorettes have such a better track record than the men.

Rachel is all of us when she tells Becca her opinion of Arie: “F*** him.” Then Rachel tells her, “You have to pull yourself out of the fantasy . . . think about what would work for you in real life.” Except, you’re in a mansion with 28 handpicked men about to go on super romantic dates all around the world. Good luck pulling yourself out of the fantasy.

Rachel is saging the house, and I agree, a lot of dirty deeds have been done in here that need cleansing. It couldn’t hurt to try to sage out the bad juju. Wow, Rachel is getting bleeped a lot and I like this side of her.

The girl squad comes to the realization that all of their first impression roses went to the guys they’re now with and that they all kissed them on night one. No pressure, Becca!

Becca pulls out a sparkly white gown that she can re-wear to her future nationally televised wedding.

Now for the men!

First up, we meet a football player named Clay. He is a family man and doesn’t want to be thought of as a stereotypical jock. He seems like a teddy bear, but also very serious. Will he make enough of an impression on fun-loving Becca?

Garrett is very goofy, and to me, he’s trying too hard. But if I know anything about Bachelorettes, it’s that they like the corny ones. He’s very outdoorsy, which could attract Becca. She’s from Minnesota and every Minnesotan aspires to owning a cabin on the lake “up north.” It’s a thing. Garrett is full of the terrible one liners which is perfect for this show and challenging for my gag reflex. He may have other unforeseen layers as well, time will tell.

Next up is Jordan. He’s a professional model and describes his look as “Pensive Gentlemen.” He says there’s, “power in the brows.” Jordan describes modeling as taxing. He wants to focus on finding love because he doesn’t want someone else to miss out on HIM. Oh boy.

Lincoln is from Nigeria originally and has a lovely accent. He appreciates family and his mom wants him to get married.

Joe is from Chicago and like all people from Chicago, he will tell you he’s from Chicago. He does have an adorable Chi-town accent. He owns a grocery store which seems like a rom-com kind of job. I’m rooting for this one. His parents have been married forever and they got engaged after only two months of dating.

Jean Blanc is next. He was born in Haiti and calls out the president on his s***hole countries comment and I’m here for it. He’s a “cologne-asseur.” As in, he has a very intense collection. Everyone needs a hobby, I guess. He says he’s going to blow her nose away.

Next up is Colton, another football player. He played for the San Diego Chargers, but left football after getting injured. He started a national cystic fibrosis foundation because of a family member suffering from this disease. This guy is a cutie, and his dog is adorable. He hasn’t been in more than one serious relationship so I hope he’s ready for Becca.

Becca returns to the mansion in her sparkly dress to be reunited with Chris Harrison. He’s thrilled she’s not ugly crying. She tells Chris that her biggest fear is falling in love with someone who is not on the same page as her. She doesn’t want history to repeat itself. And while she wants a proposal at the end of this, they both have to be 110% in. I’m giving her all kinds of snaps for this mature stance.

The limo arrives and first out of is Colton. I think it’s a good sign for this guy that he gets the “first one out of the limo” slot. They celebrate with a confetti popper and have a very cute interaction. He’s not too corny. I think this one’s a contender.

Next up is Grant. He takes it seriously with no gimmicks. He’s either a contender or about to be cut.

Clay, the hunky football player, tells Becca that winning her would be the “biggest catch of my life.” He seems super nervous and she comments on that after he leaves.

Jean Blanc looks foine as he exits the limo. He’s teaching her French and I’m into it. Let’s do the damn thing, to steal Becca’s catchphrase. She says he smells so good. I guess the cologne obsession worked in his favor.

Connor steps out of the limo and drops down on one knee because he wants to give her PTSD.

Joe, my grocery store owner, has an incredibly awkward conversation with Becca. He forgot what he was supposed to say, but still seems enamored with her.

John steps out and makes no impression.

Oh dear. Leo and his hair arrive. She touches his hair. She says his hair is better than hers (I disagree – I think her hair is great and want a YouTube tutorial on how to do it).

The model, Jordan, arrives and perfects his appearance before acknowledging Becca standing in front of him. She likes his fun shoes. His suit is one size too small and he admits to the other contestants that he spent six hours hand selecting everything he is wearing. He chose grey to stand out. I must give applause to the editors for following with Rickey in grey.

Two guys arrive and get a montage edit. Then Nick shows up in a race car onesie or whatever those uniforms are called. But he is not a race car driver. He takes off the racing suit, and reveals himself to be wearing a suit underneath. He’s an attorney who did not think through his opening argument. Leo, aka The Hair, comments on how it’s bad idea to remind the girl of her ex. When The Hair is dropping truth bombs, you know you went wrong.

Mike brings a cardboard cut out of Arie. Mike has a man bun and made the mistake of taking in the cut-out that the producers clearly handed to him. He is pulling a Nick.

A guy shows up in a minivan and it’s Garrett. He tells Becca he wants to be a great dad and husband, hence the minivan. It’s kind of adorable and I think she’s into it.

An ox appears next! Blake was one of Becca’s sneak peeks on After the Final Rose. He brought a horse for that appearance. Now he’s brought an ox. He’s nerdy and she likes it.

More men from After the Rose arrive. Lincoln steps out of the limo with his beautiful accent. Chase delivers a corny line about his name. Darius got his nerves out of the way on After the Rose. Ryan does not bring his banjo with him this time.

Helllllloooooo, Christon. He is a very handsome Harlem Globetrotter with confidence. Too much or just enough, that’s the question! They montage Wills and Jason.

Next is Kamil, who only walks out halfway. He says that in relationships, he thinks couples need to meet halfway. But then he tries to get a 60/40 thing going and Becca’s not having it. Also, his job is social media participant. I can’t even.

Jake from Minneapolis arrives. “You looks so familiar,” she says. You guys, she totally swiped right on that guy before. Or left. I don’t know, which means “hard pass?” I got married before Tinder was a thing and I don’t understand how it works. Becca tells us they met a few times before and are acquaintances.

Someone shows up in a hearse. Trent pops out and says he I literally died when he found she was the bachelorette. Cute or creepy?

These guys are very interested in each other’s fashion and I appreciate it. I’m glad that we’re in a place where men can strive for fashionable without it being a strike against their masculinity.

Jordan the model isn’t keen on the casual look that some of the guys are rocking. What do we think, no socks, no rose?

The Chicken Guy has arrived! If you’ve seen any promos, then you know that we were destined for Chicken Guy. He exits the limo in full chicken costume saying, Bahhh-kaww…Becca. He claims that he’s not here to ruffle feathers. Oh boy. He walks into the house and everyone is excited to see that no matter how much they embarrassed themselves with Becca, it’s not as bad as what the Chicken Guy did.

Chris brings in a full choir to sing to her. I’m having some royal wedding flashbacks. Things are looking good for Chris.

Cocktail party time!

Chris Harrison teases the first impression rose and Becca heads in to greet the contestants.

We get our first, “Can I steal you?” from Connor. Gotta be quick on the draw, boys! The rest of the guys are stunned by how fast he pounced. Connor opens up to her right away and is making a good impression. But is it the best first impression?

Clay brings actual clay. He’s from a small town in the midwest, which is perfect for Minnesota Becca. They seem to be making a genuine connection. He is not an artist, as we see from his clay sculpture of Becca, but he’s a sweetheart. I’m into it.

John is a software engineer who designed the app for Venmo. DAMN. I think he’s a bit of a snoozefest, but maybe that Venmo name drop caught her attention.

Christon is showing off his Harlem Globetrotter skills, teaching her to spin the ball on her finger. Then he sets her in position and slam dunks it, splitting his legs over her head. He’s definitely memorable! Is his cockiness cute or obnoxious? I haven’t decided for myself yet.

She invites the rest of the contestants outside to play and they can’t help but attempt to show off. Becca shrieks, “Oh my God, so many balls!” Truer words have never been spoken.

One of the guys is teaching Becca to dance and now he’s reading her a poem he wrote that includes her catchphrase. If I have to hear, “Let’s do the damn thing,” one more time . . .

Joe has recovered from his earlier nerves and describes owning a grocery store. I’m still rooting for him!

Blake, guy with ox, opens up about getting out of a serious relationship. He learned so much loving the wrong person. Becca connects with him right away. Jordan must be appalled, Blake’s not even wearing a tie or pocket square.

Lincoln sits down with Becca. He gives her a bracelet from Nigeria. Another guy pulls out a handheld massager and I’m a little concerned.

Chicken Guy, David, somehow gives off a good impression with Becca. Once he removes the chicken head, he and Becca start to connect. I think he might be safe for night one. His lower third includes “Chicken” and someone on the Bach staff deserves an award.

Jordan hasn’t spoken to Becca yet and is throwing shade at Chicken Guy. He’s either going to stick around to play villain for a few episodes or get kicked out and throw a fit. Either way, I like it.

Garrett is teaching Becca how to fish poolside. One of the guys asks another, “I wonder if he is catching anything?” And his buddy responds, “Feelings?” Well played, sir. Garrett is giving Becca major “let’s get a lake cabin up north” vibes and she’s into it.

Our first “not for the right reasons” has finally arrived.

Chris R. claims that he’s friends with Chase’s ex. Chase was on After the Rose. His ex texted Chris R. saying that Chase is not there for THE RIGHT REASONS. She says he wants to revamp his marketing company. Chris R. asks the other contestants if he should confront him, and they’re not dumb, so they encourage him to do it.

Chris R. confronts Chase about it. Chase goes on the offensive, and claims he only dated that girl for a few weeks. Chase says he’s here for Becca. He’s just a superfan who watches the show with his mom. Do you believe him?

Chase decides to tell Becca right off the bat about this conversation with Chris R. in order to get out in front of it. She doesn’t know how to react. Chase grabs Chris R. and makes him tell the story to Becca.

It’s her first two-on-one. Chris R. drops the “not here for the right reasons” and you can see Becca’s eyes go dark. That’s her trigger phrase. Becca’s confused and Chase may have played this wrong.

Next, Becca asks to speak to Jake, the Minnesota guy. She says he’s never shown interest in her the other times they’ve met. Why didn’t he ask her out before she became the Bachelorette? Subtext being: does he just want to be on television?

Oh dang, is she sending him home already? She is! Wow, that screws up my fantasy league picks. One down! The guys are shocked that the first contestant has already been eliminated and the rose ceremony hasn’t even happened yet.

Becca picks up the coveted First Impression rose and calls out Garrett’s name. She pulls him aside and tells him that he made her feel “comfortable.” I’m not seeing steamy passion a’la Rachel and Bryan or Jordan and JoJo, but she says she’s smitten. Girl wants that minivan life. Garrett probably seems like a safe choice after her nationally televised heartbreak. They kiss and it’s not fireworks to this viewer, but he’s sweet.

Jordan says that if he doesn’t get a rose tonight, it would be the biggest upset of all time. But Becca is from Minnesota and she’s by birthright a Vikings fan. So, she knows about upsets. Jordan has nothing on the 1998 NFC Championship game.

Time to hand out those roses!

First up is Lincoln. Blake gets a rose next. Rickey, with his adorable smile, receives a rose. Hopefully he gets more screen time next week. Jean Blanc, Christon, Clay and Wills all get their roses.

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Connor is picked next. Then Jason (Who?). John gets a rose – Venmo FTW! I swear, this post is not sponsored by Venmo. It’s just so convenient. Ryan and his snazzy suit receive roses next. Alex (who?), Nick, Trent, and Colton snag their roses.

The Hair is nervous that Chicken Guy will get a rose before him. And he does. Everyone without a rose yet dies inside. Jordan can’t stand Chicken Guy. Jordan gets picked next because the producers need a villain and Becca knows how to play the game by now.

The Hair receives a rose, despite, in his words, not looking like everyone else. Hair diversity stands a chance on The Bachelorette. To further prove my point, Mike and his man-bun get a rose too.

One rose remains. Who will receive Becca’s final rose tonight?

Chris R. is called next, and his new nemesis, Chase, has to watch. Chase gives a sloppy drunk post-elimination interview.

My grocery store owner, Joe, gets cut and I’m bummed. Let’s find him a nice girl, y’all. Any Chicago girls in the house? Slide into his DMs!

Kamil, who only wants to go 60-40 and whose job appears to be using social media, is sent packing.

The supertease for season 14 has lots of romantic imagery, plenty of testosterone, and some ugly crying. I love that the ultimate insult on this season is to call someone “just like Arie.” That dude is so lucky that Lauren B. is into him because his name has been sullied by Bachelor Nation permanently.

Season 14, Episode 1 receives 3 out of 5 “Meghan Markles” for the amount it made me believe in “forever love.” I saw plenty of charming connections, but I didn’t witness any fireworks yet. Did you?

Do you think Becca made the right decision? Who do you think is going to go all the way this season?