The Bachelorette recap: A few good Men Tell All

Last we left our lovelorn Minnesotan, Becca K. was making the tragically wrong decision to eliminate Jason and rightfully freaking out (#teamjason)!

Tonight we come to the age old tradition of gathering generically handsome men together and interrogating them about the right reasons. Yup, this is the Men Tell All episode!

Whose return are you most looking forward to? The Pensive Gentleman, Chill Wills, or Grocery Store Joe?

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We’re in the studio awaiting the overwhelming scent of Axe body spray, and Chris Harrison welcomes us. There’s unfinished business to be settled and shade to be thrown!

But first, let’s see some BiP highlights. Crazy Krystal with her baby voice is back. Grocery Store Joe and Leo appear to fight over Kendall, which seems impossible as they appear to be the most mild-mannered guys. But they would both be into Taxidermy Girl, I get that.

David and Jordan continue their petty battle, the plot of which I’ve forgotten. Colton appears to break down in tears and Chris R. probably continues to be his own worst enemy.

Everyone is sobbing. And I am here for it.

Chris Harrison begins introducing the bro-testants from this season, and I do not recognize a large portion.

Who is Kamil? Was he on the show?

Lincoln the Horrible is conspicuously missing. They have effectively edited Lincoln from the viewers’ memories. But I’ll never forget.

First to speak up about night one on The Bachelor is my man Jason. He says, “It was the most difficult night,” before comically correcting himself. Of course, not the most difficult night. That would be the night he thought he was spending with Becca and instead got sent packing.

We see some highlights and I’m reminded of some of my favorite moments from this season, like when Wills told Chris R. off. And let’s not forget David and Jordan’s fight in the desert.

Chris R. explains his emotional meltdown

Chris Harrison says Chris R. was the most emotional of all the men. Leo is still salty about it, as it affected his one-on-one time with Becca. Chris R. says, “the wheels came off.” Connor doesn’t get it, Chris R. had his one-on-one and Connor was Mr. Group Date. Why did Chris R. freak out so much?

Jordan says something smart (it must be noted when it happens): “You can’t be Mr. Right Reasons and treat the Bachelorette wrong.”

Chris Harrison asks Jean Blanc about his love confession and subsequent take back. But before he can answer, Colton flips out. Colton and Jean Blanc go back and forth at each other, with JB saying something about Colton’s virginity that gets bleeped. Jason jumps in with some reasonable thoughts. He thinks JB owes the cast and Becca an apology. He says he will apologize to Becca.

Chris Harrison asks Colton why he didn’t like Jordan and he answers, “Well, there’s the obvious…”

It must be the professionality?

Colton and Jordan bicker back and forth about Tia and each other’s dating history. Leo calls Jordan a modern-day narcissist. Is there ancient narcissists versus modern-day narcissists on this show? What constitutes a modern-day narcissist? I have so many questions for Leo.

Jordan thinks these guys couldn’t stand having fun. There is a debate on the appropriateness of golden underpants at cocktail parties. Do golden underpants fit the dress code and respect the sanctity of the Cocktail Hour and Rose Ceremony?

David tries to jump into the conversation. Jordan: “Are you going to fall in or jump in?” Boom!

David attempts to form some thoughts, but Jordan won’t let him get a word in edgewise. Nick, who is a person who was apparently on the show, says that he thought from watching the episodes that David was there for Jordan instead of Becca. And there you have it.

Jason feels David bullied Jordan. He only poked at Jordan, not the other guys. David apologies for taking it too far. He’s being more mature and self-aware than I would have expected. I’m sure it will all be negated by whatever happens on BiP.

Night #1 guys looking are for their time to shine

Some of the guys sent home on night one try to jump into the conversation and we hear someone say, “Who are you?” back. Amazing. One of these bro-testants and Jordan almost have a model off. Kamil, also eliminated early, insinuates he is a real model who works in New York and Jordan is not. There’s an accusation that Jordan is there just for Insta followers. Duh.

Chris Harrison asks says Jordan to respond and he succinctly tells Kamil to eff off. There are a few more curses from Jordan and a “What’s up!” to Grocery Store Joe. Everyone loves GSJ.

It’s time for Jordan to get in the hot seat. We take a look back at his journey and I think I should start a tally of Jordanisms.

The Pensive
The power is in the brows
I’m a golden retriever
I think Becca may have my groin on my mind
I kissed her in golden underwear, Tom Cruise couldn’t do that
I wish we could get my portfolio

How could they forget “Professionality?”

Jordan is the Rolls Royce of bro-testants

Jordan defends himself saying, that he felt that he tried to get deeper in conversation with Becca, but by then it was too late. Plus, the house dynamics got in the way of something more substantial.

This all makes sense, but then he says, “You could literally put me in a cardboard box and I could have the best time.” Huh?

Colton says that the frustrating part was that he was developing feelings for Becca and still had to deal with Captain Underpants.

Chris Harrison wants to know if Jordan was purposely needling the bro-testants. He says, “If you drive a Rolls Royce, you roll the windows down.” Well then. I think we know the answer to that. Then he says he’s throwing a slurpee out the window of his Rolls Royce at that night one guy, who Chris Harrison tells us is named Christian. His name is Christian, you guys.

Colton: “Jordan was here for Jordan.”
Jordan:” Colton was here for Tia…hey, I got Grocery Store Joe to laugh!”

I’ll leave you with this Jordan quote: “I’ll do whatever I want. If I want to eat Captain Crunch and mix it with orange juice.”
Wills: “What is happening?”

Jordan is wearing the golden underwear right now. Because of course.

America loves Grocery Store Joe

My night one crush, Grocery Store Joe, captured the hearts of women across America. So much so that he’s getting some time on the hot seat. Also, Chris, it’s Grocery Store Joe, not Grocery Joe. Get it right.

Chris Harrison: “How was your experience on The Bachelorette?”
Grocery Store Joe: “It was pretty bad.”

Chris Harrison pulls some social media posts and I feel like this is the time that I should tell you that Grocery Store Joe liked my tweet after the first week. I know, right?

GSJ thought the airing of the first episode was going to be the most embarrassing moment of his life, but it turned out pretty great. Do we think he found love in paradise?

I said I love you and she said, no thanks.

My other boyfriend, Wills, is up next. Wills looks smashing in his suit and red boots. Wait, Wills has a Harry Potter tattoo? I didn’t know I could adore him even more than I already did. His declarations of love to Becca are getting me emotional.

Wills gets choked up on stage. It was tough for him to watch the highlights back. You can hear his voice catch as he says, “I was really excited to bring her home to my family.” Despite his heartbreak, he is still so thoughtful and respectful  about Becca.

Chris Harrison asks about his fashion sense and where it came from. Wills’ dad was a bit of a peacock when he was growing up. TBT pics or it didn’t happen!

I’m not waiting for marriage, I’m waiting for the right heart.

Next, it’s time for our virgin professional athlete to answer Chris Harrison’s tough questions. Colton says that he was completely caught off guard when he was sent home. He challenges any decent human being to not fall in love with Becca. He wasn’t thinking about Tia, that was long over for him.

Chris Harrison asks about Becca’s response to his admission of virginity. Colton said that she didn’t disrespect him by leaving the table, but was gathering her thoughts so she could respond thoughtfully.

Colton shares how growing up as an athlete, he made up a lot of lies about his virgin status. He says that the cheap shots even earlier tonight hurt (looking at you, Jean Blanc). He feels people think he’s less of a man. He thinks its sad that it’s viewed as baggage. Jordan kindly says that he respects Colton for being true to himself.

Let’s start the campaign now, Jason for Bachelor!

The official ambassador of Buffalo, New York, gets the hot seat treatment next. Jason’s relationship may have sparked later than the other bro-testants, but it was hot and heavy once it did.

Then we have to relive the car wreck that was their breakup last week. In the immortal words of Ryan Gosling, “It wasn’t over. It still isn’t over!”

Jason and his better haircut become emotional after watching the playback. He’s so sweet about Becca and empathetic to her situation. Jason is a model for all humans on how to handle a break-up. And he had to do it on national television!

Love is love is love

OMG, he just said love is love is love. He talks about the LGBTQIA community and I’m all in on Jason as the next Bachelor. Please, Bach Nation Gods, make this happen. We need this man. America needs this man.

Jason leaves us with this anecdote: Becca forgot his name on one of the Group Dates. After they kissed, she never forgot his name again.

Finally, our Queen emerges.

Becca is looking gorgeous, of course, which is only right since she has to face so may ex-boyfriends in one room.

Jason asks how he could communicate better with a partner in the future and Becca tells him not to change. He didn’t do anything wrong. Jason wants to be friends at some point after this experience and they hug it out.

Colton sees that she’s glowing and clearly happy. That’s all that any of the guys wanted. Chris asks about Situation Tia. Becca says Tia shouldn’t be getting the backlash that she’s gotten, they’re still friends and what Tia said didn’t change her mind about Colton either way.

Becca compliments Wills’ outfit. Wills tells Becca she healed him in a way that he didn’t know was possible. He wants to know what went wrong. She says it came down to wear her heart was pulling her.

Chris Harrison declares that everyone loves Becca. Does anyone have anything bad to say about her? Jean Blanc volunteers! He doesn’t neg her though – he just wants to get a few moments with her. JB says his exit was regrettable. He apologizes, and in case we thought that was genuine, he proves to be the same guy he was on the show. He gives her a perfume as the other bro-testants cringe.

You own it.

Becca says that she had the best time with Jordan. He’s unique and like no one else. Jordan wishes he had opened up more and sooner. Maybe he will on BiP?

Chris Harrison turns the floor over to Chris R. He wants to sincerely apologize for being a jerk and letting his insecurities take over. He sends out his night one choir to sing a song about how much of a jerk he was. She accepts his soulful apology.

During the credits, VenMo John breaks down the statistics of Jordan’s Tinder matches and I can’t wait to see him on BiP!

Next week, y’all! It’s a three hour finale. I’m going to be up way past my bedtime. But that’s just how devoted I am to Bachelor Nation.

Who is she going to pick, Garrett or Blake? And do we think they’re still together?