The Bachelorette Season 17: What does “gaslighting” actually mean?

This week’s season finale of The Bachelorette Season 17 was the definition of emotional whiplash. We went from the aftermath of Katie Thurston’s heart-wrenching break-up with Greg Grippo, to an adorable proposal from Blake Moynes…and then straight to a heated argument between Katie and Greg on the After the Final Rose stage.

Both Greg and Katie still had strong feelings about what happened between them, but Katie, especially, seems to have a new perspective on their split since filming ended. Ahead of the finale, she shared a post about “gaslighting” on her Instagram stories. Then last night, she doubled down.

Greg apologized for “talking down” to her, and Katie interrupted with, “Gaslighting, I think, is probably a better word.” When host Kaitlyn Bristowe asked what she meant, Katie said, “Gaslighting is when you try to make someone else feel like it’s their fault.”

The trouble is, that’s not what “gaslighting” means. So what is this term, where does it come from, and why should we care?

The Bachelorette Season 17: What is gaslighting?

“Gaslight” is a word used in psychology to describe a specific abuse tactic. The American Psychological Association defines it as “to manipulate another person into doubting his or her perceptions, experiences, or understanding of events.”

The expression comes from a 1938 play titled Gas Light, in which a husband tries to convince his wife that she is going insane in hopes of having her institutionalized so he can steal her riches. Among other tricks, he makes the gas lamps in their house flicker while insisting that they’re not so his bride thinks she’s hallucinating.

To gaslight someone is to make them think that their perception of reality is wrong. It’s intended to make the victim trust nobody but the abuser, not even themselves. Abusers might tell blatant lies, falsely claim that events didn’t happen the way the victim remembers them, spread rumors that the victim is going crazy in order to isolate them, etc. It’s a long-term, insidious form of abuse that can forever alter the victim’s ability to trust their own judgment.

Could gaslighting include making “someone else feel like it’s their fault”? Sure. But the intent is what separates true gaslighting from a situation where two people just have different opinions of what happened.

The Bachelorette Season 17: Why did the word “gaslight” get so popular?

This term has become more and more common in recent years, perhaps because of its use when describing Donald Trump’s presidency. For example, political analysts have said that Trump gaslit America when his administration claimed that the crowd at his 2017 inauguration was the largest ever and stretched back to the Washington Monument. Photos and video proved otherwise.

As gaslighting entered the public consciousness, it began to be used to describe almost any bad behavior. It’s hard to know why people do this–maybe they don’t understand the definition, or maybe they think “gaslighting” sounds snappier than just plain “lying.”

Either way, “gaslight” has been overused, especially online. Just look at the “gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss” meme, which pokes fun at Internet buzzwords. Now, the term has made its way to The Bachelorette, where an even larger audience will learn it…and unfortunately, they’ll have learned an oversimplified definition.

The Bachelorette Season 17: Did Greg gaslight Katie?

Katie seems to think so. Could Greg have pushed the blame for their breakup on her as an excuse to leave the relationship? Maybe. That doesn’t make it gaslighting, though. Did he genuinely believe Katie was in the wrong? Was he just confused, hurt, and self-sabotaging in an environment that is quite literally designed to push contestants to their breaking point? Or could all these things be true at once?

Nobody except Greg knows what he was thinking during that conversation. Even if he was being manipulative, his actions didn’t really meet the threshold of gaslighting. He didn’t try to make Katie question her sanity by denying objective truth. In relationships, there often isn’t an objective truth about whose “fault” it was when things crumble and don’t work out.

Katie and Greg’s situation was sad, messy, and hurtful – but it wasn’t gaslighting.

The Bachelorette Season 17: Does it even matter?

Okay, so should we actually care whether or not Katie used the right definition of “gaslighting”?

Although the meaning has been diluted over time, “gaslight” is still a serious word and a serious allegation. Katie is allowed to feel angry at Greg for how he spoke to her during their split. She’s allowed to believe that he was never actually there for her (and who knows, she may be right). But to accuse her ex of gaslighting on national television, and not even get it right, is irresponsible at best.

When people use “gaslight” for anything, it minimizes the severe mental abuse that too many people have gone through. It makes it harder for victims to find the words for what’s happening to them. In this case, it could intensify the rabid Twitter mobs that so often go after Bachelor “villains”. And maybe this is just the English major in me, but words have definitions for a reason.

Not every painful relationship can be neatly divided into an abuser and a victim. People communicate poorly, misinterpret their partner, lash out, and shut down all the time without being terrible people. Love is difficult, and it’s extra difficult in the high-pressure, corporate machine that is The Bachelor and The Bachelorette.

It’s unfortunate that a very real psychological phenomenon was misrepresented for a huge audience. Hopefully, people will take time to educate themselves, everyone involved will be able to move on, and neither Katie nor Greg will get ripped to shreds over this brutal season finale.

What did you think of Greg and Katie’s fight? Let us know in the comments below!

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