The Bachelor season 24 episode 3 spoiled recap: Who’s a-layah?

Episode three of The Bachelor opens with a scene that leaves viewers wondering if someone’s dog died, when in reality the contestants are still crying over spilled bubbly.

**WARNING: SEASON SPOILERS AHEAD. The following recap contains references to The Bachelor SEASON 24 SPOILERS. Articles on the site are unspoiled unless indicated. STOP READING If you do not read Reality Steve and want to avoid season spoilers.**

Champain Gate

We open this week with some tragic news–the continuation of Champagne Gate.  Hannah Ann cries about being called a champagne stealer–we get it, being accused of something you didn’t do sucks, but let’s not act like “champagne stealer” is some horrible criminal past that is going to follow you. Well…Kelsey says it’s about the principle, not the champagne, and says: “I don’t even like champagne.” Spoken like a true 27-year-old who most definitely gets a headache from the bubbles.

Then, finally, this whole situation is put to rest? We think? There’s no real resolution but it’s no longer mentioned so we assume it’s all good. Most importantly, Hannah Ann referred to the situation as a “finasco” and honestly, the mispronunciations on this episode were the only fun thing that happened so for that we are grateful.

Victoria P.’s one-on-one

Now it’s time for Victoria P’s one-on-one date! Peter picks her up in a pickup as if we didn’t all see his “baby,” the sleek Mercedes, last season. Nobody is fooled.

He drives her through his neighborhood (Peter grew up near the Bachelor Mansion, in case you didn’t catch it the 40 other times it’s been mentioned). It’s almost like a reverse Chris Soules where instead of craftily concealing the ghost town that was his Iowan farm, the producers are shoving Pacific Coast Highway Pete down our throats. This has a very “real life” date feel as they drive along and Peter points out spots he likes, like his favorite wine bar.

Victoria asks if he’s red or white, and he says red, to which she, appropriately, cheers. It’s all very cute. Narrator: It appears Victoria has some skeletons in her closet:

They go cowboy boot shopping and have some cute banter. Peter and Victoria definitely have a very natural rapport and an early connection. She is delightful, and it tugs on our heartstrings when she says in her ITM that she never thought she was worthy of a guy like Peter. Victoria, you deserve the world.

Peter takes Victoria to some saloon he allegedly goes to “all the time” with his friends as though he didn’t grow up … in Los Angeles? Anyway, we enjoyed this little hoedown throwdown situation.

In the evening portion, Victoria tells Peter about her difficult childhood. Growing up, her mom was an addict, so she had to care for her sister. By the end of it, Victoria is in tears, and we are ready to protect her from any harm. Peter says he’s never been more inspired by anyone, and she gets a rose.

He’s clearly very into her and we like them together.

Group date, brought to you by Demi

Demi hosts the next group date for some reason, but alas we aren’t shown her conversation with Peter that was shown in the preview. Did Peter ask her to join the house, too? We’ll never know. Maybe he asked her to weed out the bad seeds.

In classic Demi fashion, she shows up and wakes the girls up with a bullhorn and siren.

She gets the girls out of bed and hands them bags with their outfits for their dates. Most of the outfits are lingerie, or, uh, linger-ee, as Kiarra says.

We asked Kiarra for her comments on the situation. Please see as follows:

The linguine-clad women are then carted off to the group date. In the car, Peter asks the most male question of all time: “Is this how you normally sleep?” Why yes, full hair and make-up and silky lingerie is every woman’s daily sleeping attire.

When they arrive at the saloon (is this the same saloon as the one-on-one? Inquiring minds must know), Demi tells everyone they’re here for an extreme pillow fight. For a show that made huge strides last season with iconic, empowering moments with Hannah Brown, this feels like a major step backward. We’re not surprised, just disappointed.

Fred Willard serves as our announcer once again. Who blackmailed him into being on The Bachelor for the rest of his life?

The women have their pillow fight battles. Naturally, Alayah and Sydney, who apparently have some tension, are paired together. In her only screen time for this season, Sarah gets whacked in the head repeatedly. For a show that sure loves its over-dramatic injuries, this seemed like a missed opportunity for an ambulance.

As an aside, justice for Tammy. We’d accept this linkup.

Alayah wins and Peter calls her the “Queen of the bedroom for sure,” and later, on the evening portion, says she’s “Pretty impressive on the mattress.” WE GET IT, YOU LIKE SEX. Stop this.

At the cocktail party, Sydney confronts Alayah, whom she seems to dislike for no apparent reason. She goes up to Alayah and asks her if she works, which honestly, we’ve often wondered when watching this show. Alayah kind of laughs it off and says she has three jobs.

Sydney corners her into talking about pageants and basically insinuates that she’s fake because she is used to being polished for pageants? Weird flex but okay. She then goes to Peter with her wrong reasons claim.

Peter handles this in the worst way possible –by addressing it in front of the whole group. Can you imagine Mike doing this? Sarah and Kelley’s facial expressions (i.e. alternating between trying not to laugh and looking annoyed) say it all.

Sydney gets the group date rose because Peter says he appreciates how “brave” she was. K.

Pool “party”

The next day, we have a pool party in lieu of the cocktail party. Peter decides to take ample opportunity of the contestants half-naked for the second time this episode by spending the entirety of the day interrogating the other women about Alayah.

This pool party could not be more boring. Colton’s pool party was taken over by the Hannah B./Caelynn drama, too, but that didn’t feel nearly as painful as watching every woman have to discuss someone they’ve known for two weeks (at most). At least Colton was good at being messy. Peter, on the other hand, explicitly creates drama via immediate gossip, names his snitches, then gets upset at the answers he deliberately sought out and we’re…supposed to feel sympathetic? Understanding? Lucid?

Chris returns to inform the girls that Peter is indeed naked and afraid and he’ll be consoling himself privately until the rose ceremony. They really know how to put the poo in pool party.

Rose ceremony

Peter, the meltdown that keeps on giving. You know it was a messy episode of The Bachelor when Peter rewards both members of Champagne Gate with the FIRST two roses. Did we all collectively take acid or was that not the epicenter of the drama at the beginning of the episode?

Instead of just, oh, giving out the final two roses, Peter proceeds to get very overwhelmed at seemingly nothing and momentarily heads out.

In an inexplicable move, Peter has Chris dramatically remove one of the remaining two roses and Peter gives his final rose to Mykenna, leaving Alayah, Sarah, Jasmine, and Alexa in the dust. Could not be us.

It is apparent that Peter did not receive clarity on literally anything as he instantaneously regrets his choice to send Alayah packing. Hey, Peter, it’s your season on The Bachelor–you could’ve just, kept Alayah for one more week and, oh, saw how things played out? Even his producer appears to be over it. At least Victoria F. appears to be gracing us with the drama we’ve begged for in the next episode’s preview of The Bachelor.

We’re still team Ashley P., no further questions.

Were you genuinely bored to tears as much as we were? Did you want to join Ashley P. in the pool or hop on the next flight to the Saharan desert? It’s a fin-asco we simply can’t compute.