Bachelorette Investigation: Was that the most awkward episode of all time?

The third episode of Clare’s shortened Bachelorette season was a train wreck. Was it the most awkward episode of all time? Let’s investigate.

If you would have told me at the start of this week that I would feel perhaps the most second-hand embarrassment I’ve ever felt in my life while watching television, I would have told you I watched the Borat sequel last Friday. Not in a million years would I have guessed that this episode of The Bachelorette would be worse.

Much like Borat Subsequent Moviefilm, Tuesday’s episode of The Bachelorette featured two actors and a group of unsuspecting people who didn’t know they were part of a predetermined screenplay. This season has been over since night one and Clare is left doing anything she can not to break her contract too early.

This entire episode was watched through clenched teeth. This was the Chrissy Teigen meme, for two hours. There was not a single person watching who didn’t flash back to their first-grade school crush and immediately relive the most awkward moments of their lives. If unprovoked mental assault was a crime, we’d all have grounds for a lawsuit against Clare.

Yosef drama

I had to circle back and add this section in because I completely forgot it happened in this same episode. Yosef confronted Clare to express his displeasure with the strip dodgeball date (which he was not on). He made a valid point about the date being a little much then decided he wanted to lock in his position as reality television’s most misogynistic second most misogynistic a-hole and went off on Clare.

After a complete show of disrespect and condescension, Yosef was kicked to the curb faster than he could pull out his phone and mistakenly send another special home video. See you never, buddy (but most likely in Paradise). This, as dramatic as it was, was just a teaser for the rest of the night.

Dale’s fantasy suite

Pick any line from the song Positions by Ariana Grande (because I can’t quote anything from WAP on a FanSided website) and that is how Clare feels about Dale. She flat out admitted that they probably would have had their fantasy suite date if those damn other men weren’t there to screw it all up.

Clare is a smitten kitten, and while you have to feel for the other men in this Bachelorette season, it’s made for great television. After Dale’s five minutes with Clare turned into 45, Eazy knocked on the door like a parent interrupting two teenagers to tell them dinner was ready.

Instead of being honest about getting, uh, rooster* blocked… by Eazy, Dale acted like a teenager while explaining the situation to the rest of the guys, huge grin on his face, promising nothing was going on. Awkward silence, uncomfortable situations, great television.

The Zach J. date

Before getting into perhaps the strangest part of this episode, let’s discuss the beginning of the date. Like two strangers being forced to do something that neither of them was into, Zach J. and Clare went on perhaps the worst date of all time, proving that you can’t be in the friend zone if you aren’t even friends.

After having avocados smashed onto his face at the spa, Zach J. forgot the 90/10 kiss rule, which Clare was fine with because she was looking for an out the whole way down. If we’re talking about being on the same page, these two were on opposite ends of the seventh Harry Potter book.

Zach immediately started chasing. He grabbed Clare in a way that came off aggressive and unwanted, whether he meant it to or not, in an attempt to salvage the moment. Surely, he wasn’t trying to hurt Clare, but it’s important to be aware of the potential implications of a moment like this.

Zach J. was later dumped by Chris Harrison, which was yet another piece in this wildly unpredictable Bachelorette puzzle.

The roast of Dale

If the roast itself wasn’t strange enough, Clare interrogated each man who mentioned Dale’s name after, wanting Clare-ification as to why the joke was made (ayooo). Like your grandmother setting up a wi-fi router, Clare could literally not be more disconnected. She’s gone from pretending the other men have a shot to using them to gain information on her crush, but in the way a 14-year-old would. “Did he talk about me? Omg, what did he say!”

As punishment for attacking her fiancé, Clare decided not to give out a group date rose. While all of us were still there wondering why Margaret Cho agreed to be a part of this sh*t show, Clare was wondering how she could get another pair of Dale’s shorts to sniff later on in her suite (assuming he wasn’t going to be in there with her this time).

Oh yeah. There was a scene in which someone who none of us had heard from in 15 years came back to smell Dale’s shorts with Clare. This situation alone, which I completely forgot even happened, solidifies the fact that this was BY FAR the most awkward Bachelorette episode of all time.

For the non-traditional fan, that was possibly the best Bachelorette episode of all time. It was a season’s worth of drama in one night, leading to the exact moment we all knew was coming, but all could not wait for–the incredible Tayshia Adams.

The Bachelorette airs on a special day, next Thursday, November 5th, due to election coverage on Tuesday night. Here’s to hoping Clare isn’t the only reality television personality whose journey ends next week.

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