The Bachelor: Listen To Your Heart: Season 1, episode 2 performance grades

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ABC/Maarten de Boer
ABC/Maarten de Boer /

Bri, Original Song Freestyle-Duet(?)

Vocal Performance: B+

I mean, it was a weird-flex song, but okay. Bri is the next fallen victim to a lack of showcase of range in the chosen song. With that said, I’m not entirely sure I can call what transpired a…song? It had a beat, yes, they used sing-song voices, yes, but I’m pretty sure that was the monologue portion of a song during a musical before they actually break out in song. I’m also not sure why I watch these shows when cheesy romance makes me physically cringe, so this was not it for me. But she wasn’t pitchy, and unlike Jamie, is willingly participating in the show premise. It’s also decently difficult to freestyle – see Lil Wayne’s “excuse my charisma, vodka with a spritza” – so for that, points to Bri.

Interpretive Routine: N/A

Much like Jamie and Trevor, this was a relatively sedentary performance – much not like Jamie and Trevor, Bri and Chris don’t have to add miscellaneous tips to their tax returns. For that, I pass on passing judgment.

~Romance~ Level: A+

I’ve never heard of anyone who can only express themselves through song, but here we are. Truly no offense, but this is Numero Uno on my dealbreaker list – I avoid musicals for an explicit reason. I would, however, pay an exorbitant amount of money to witness someone break up with their significant other via a sad, handwritten ballad.

With that said, we had our first utterance of the Bachelor-esque classic, “I’m starting to fall in love with you!” As former contestant, Sharleen Joynt, often aptly points out, what does this even mean? Is this not literally the stage prior to being in love, i.e. I like you? I digress.

But Bri goes a step further and explains that her past experiences with love have not gone well – who ends an engagement with someone MID-wedding dress shopping?? That must legitimately suck and is the world’s worst buzzkill, so I really felt for her here. These two are the only fully legitimate couple at this point – so much so, I genuinely thought at the beginning of the episode that they were too boring, in a good way, to even receive a date.

Overall Grade: A-

ABC/Maarten de Boer
ABC/Maarten de Boer /

Chris, Original Song Freestyle-Duet(?)

Vocal Performance: B

I’m pretty sure Chris did not even actually sing and was riffing off Bri in plain-speak. Honestly, upon re-listening, his voice is literally akin to my mid-show conversation tone with my roommate. As such, I’m not even sure I can judge his singing abilities accordingly. Bonus points for his sick guitar playing.

Interpretive Routine: N/A

Please see the above disclaimer. Limp, seated noodles an interpretive routine does not make.

~Romance~ Level: A

Like Bri, Chris crushed it out of the park during this episode of Listen to Your Heart, and I’m genuinely rooting for the two of them. The slight edge goes to Bri for saying I’m half-starting-to-decide-I-may-eventually-sort-of-be falling in love with you. But, for what Chris lost in first dibs, he made up for with a very important quality (men, please for the love of Chris Harrison take notes): ACTIVE ATTENTIVE LISTENING SKILLS. Aka, the exact opposite of whatever we watched for three months straight that was Peter’s season of The Bachelor.

Overall Grade: A-