The Bachelor season 24, episode 5 spoiled recap: Scarface Pete

Kelley’s one-on-one

It’s Kelley’s one-on-one. This reminds us of his date with Hannah B. where they weirdly canoodled with flower crowns on their heads. Weird flex repeating that with someone else but okay. Did they steal this date idea from Connor S.? Nice that they upgraded to full sheets of paper over post-its.

Peter says he can’t rely on “signs” anymore as he did in the beginning, but doesn’t think Kelley is trying very hard. In fairness, Kelley could not look less interested in this date. Peter is so compelling that Kelley gets distracted by a lizard akin to the salamander under the rock in your backyard. He continues to lament about how reserved she is and how much more he needs from her.

This date has a weird vibe. It feels like we just skipped the entire second act of Peter and Kelley’s relationship. He went from ~thiS iS dEstInY~ to Kelley isn’t giving me anything. What hasn’t she been giving him? Names? This is what happens when we are subjected to three hours of women losing it over the consumption of alcoholic beverages.

Did we accidentally turn on Bird Box? Kelley in a blindfold trying to find Peter in a maze is a metaphor for this season of The Bachelor.

Back at the villa…again

In a shocking turn of events, Kelsey confronts Tammy. Despite the frequent crying, Kelsey handles this very maturely and says she wants to end whatever drama there is. Tammy does not own up to what she said to Peter and proceeds to imply that Kelsey has a drinking problem and is emotionally unstable because she cries a lot. Let us be the first to say we aren’t criers, but WHO CARES. Let her cry, geez. The drinking problem insinuation is really too much – it’s not appropriate and it’s not cool.

We’re sick of the Bachelor drama. There’s an equal option to just show none of this and focus on the ~love~ storylines. Instead, we’re stuck watching a Lifetime special about mean girls in high school.

Back to the date: Kelley goes in

Kelley proceeds to put on a master class on putting a guy in check. We’re getting strong Andi reprimanding Juan Pablo vibes. He tells her he feels she’s complacent because they started off on a strong note and have now plateaued. Kelley’s retort was so killer that it’s worth writing out word for word:

"I mean, I don’t know. I know that I love Hannah Ann, we’re super close, but I would say we’re on two different levels. We’re at two different stages of our lives, you know. I’m extremely mature for my age, and I truly am ready for that step, and there was things that I would question about you on that, and so when that was said, I was like, ‘okay, I need to clarify’."

…to which Peter interrupts that he doesn’t want her judging him and his other relationships. Peter, you’re on reality television, everyone is judging you.

Kelley corrects him that, for once this season on The Bachaleor, she’s not talking s*** about other women, she’s talking about their relationship. She continues, “There were things that I was hearing around the house, not from her – her aside, that’s just an example – that I was definitely questioning. Like, “Is he ready for a wife?”

Peter is taken aback and asks for #clarity. Kelley hits him with the take of the Bachelor season:

"Just like, rewarding the drama and stuff like that. That just kind of irked me, because I was like, ‘why is he rewarding all this drama?’ Like, no person who should be in that stage would want to even put up with that, you know."

Kelley’s subsequent power couple speech is an absolute audition for Bachelorette. She killed this date. She’s our number one pick by a mile at this point. With an elimination right before hometowns, she’s in a perfect position to get some clarity of her own as the Bachelorette.

The problem, at least for Peter, is that Kelley is normal. Peter, the reason this (and by this, we mean every relationship devolving) is happening with every. single. girl. is because you’ve let drama spearhead your season. Legitimately, he has no grasp on any of these relationships at this point.

Peter gives Kelley the rose, which is the first choice we’ve agreed with this season. He tells her, “I need you to trust in this process. You need to give yourself to it.” Okay Peter, because she has every reason to do that thus far.