The Bachelor season 24 premiere spoiled recap: Phone a friend

Ah, yes, another season of the Bachelor. Season 24 finally premiered last night. The off-season has been dreadful and we’re happy to have our Monday activity back (even if it did keep us up past our bedtime).

**WARNING: SEASON SPOILER AHEAD. The following recap contains references to SEASON SPOILERS of The Bachelor 24. For the unspoiled, here is a season spoiler-free recap of last night’s episode. STOP READING If you do not read Reality Steve and want to avoid season spoilers**

We watched this three-hour hot mess thrice for the purposes of this recap, and we gotta say, it doesn’t improve upon rewatch. We’re here to give you a recap of last night’s premiere through the spoiled lens of Reality Steve as well as sleuthing efforts by yours truly. Without further ado, let’s get to it.

After nearly 18 years, the show has been on the air almost as long as some of these contestants have been on the earth. We all know the night one drill: intro packages, limo exits, 22 blondes named Lauren, 12 ridiculous costumes, 4 influencers, and a partridge in a pear tree. This year, The Bachelor switched it up to great success: a flash forward to the final rose ceremony within the first five minutes. There’s a reason scripted shows like to use the flash forward – it piques everybody’s interest.

Anyway, we get to the final rose ceremony, and we see Chris come up to Peter to tell him some breaking news that “changes everything.” We also see Peter’s mom, Saint Barbra Weber, tearfully telling Peter to not let someone go, and asking him to go “bring her home” to them. What does all this mean? We have some theories, but this was definitely a better way to hook audiences into the season than planning random watch parties across the country.

Preview Breakdown

Finally, we get our season preview. We’ve got the classic making out in exotic locales, crying, etc. This is where we get a few interesting voice overs:

“Today I realized I was in love with Peter, but if he sleeps with anybody else, it’s going to be hard for me to continue to move forward.”

“Dude, she has waited this long to tell him she’s a virgin.”

“You gave him an ultimatum and, I’m sorry, it’s disgusting.”

We’re pretty sure the first one is Madison (coupled with a prior promo where it seems like she is saying, ”You can’t do this with other girls, or I’m leaving”) and the last two are Victoria Fuller. Now, you might be thinking to yourself: why would you sign up for this show if you’re not okay with the lead sleeping with other people? Great question. We’re going to guess that the big final rose ceremony drama teased in the flash forward is somehow related to this whole mess. Regardless, this is the third season in a row where sex will play a huge role on a show when it was once frowned upon to even mention. Kaitlyn Bristowe walked so the franchise could run (and run, and run).

Intro Packages

Did you know Peter is a Pilot? It’s a good thing he has gone back to flying and doesn’t plan on leaving his job since ABC seems to think it’s his only personality trait. Other things you should know about Peter: he’s a Leo, he went to Baylor, he’s from LA, he had sex in a windmill, he’s the kid from those Sylvan commercials you remember seeing during 7th Heaven, and his parents are absolute angels.

Finally, we get to the contestant intros.

First up is Alexa from Chicago. Alexa is a gorgeous entrepreneur who owns a waxing studio. The show is extremely amused that she provides Brazilian bikini waxes, which… ok? Godspeed, Alexa. If this thing with Peter doesn’t work out (spoiler: it doesn’t), there are some really cute Bachelor alums *cough Dustin cough* who happen to live in Chicago. Let us know if you’d like us to set up a non-platonic lunch date.

Next up is Katie Holmes. Uh, sorry, we meant Hannah Ann. She even talks like Katie Holmes. Are we sure she’s not secretly Suri Cruise? Please advise. Anyway, Hannah Ann is from Knoxville, aka the hometown of dog jingle superstar Jed Wyatt. She’s a model (read: influencer) who is friends with Hannah G., and her family already loves Peter. We can rest assured that her dad will have no problems giving Peter permission to marry his daughter given how much he already likes him. Hannah Ann and her siblings all have perfect facial features. That is all.

Hello, Tammy. Tammy is a badass who made the boys wrestling team in high school (this is the first of multiple mentions of high school achievements; it makes us feel extremely old and we’re only 25).

Victoria P., the reigning Miss Louisiana at the time of filming, is next. She is stunning, but her pageant past isn’t even brought up in her intro package. Victoria is a nurse who had a ROUGH childhood. Her dad died when she was two, and her mom was an addict. This package was honestly heartbreaking and Victoria seems very sweet.

Is it just us, or are there more “real jobs” than normal this season?

Kelley is a Chicago lawyer from a Chicago lawyer family. She sort of looks like a younger, prettier version of Lizzie Rovsek from RHOC, and for this reason we have no choice but to stan. Kelley ran into Peter at a hotel a month prior, and that’s the kind of meet cute rom-coms are made of.

Madison Prewett is already a fan favorite; there were at least 10 fan accounts for her prior to the season’s start. She also notes a high school achievement (4 basketball championships) in her intro package and we’re starting to wonder if the gulf between 25 and 23 is really that big? We’re not that much older but high school rarely, if ever, even crosses our minds. Then again, we’re not that athletic and it’s not cute to brag about your SAT scores. Anyway, Madi and her Benjamin Button dad – an assistant basketball coach at Auburn – go over the “plays” for this “game” on a big whiteboard. It’s pretty cute.

Last but not least is Maurissa. She’s extremely pretty, and has already been spotted with Mike Johnson in the post-season (although he said they were just friends). Can’t wait to see her crush paradise.

Limo Entrances

Finally, we’ve gotten to the limo entrances. Peter seems surprised that there are multiple flight attendants? As if his mom and dad aren’t a cute flight attendant/pilot duo? Has he ever watched this show?

For the most part, Peter’s childhood acting career fails him and it’s pretty obvious he finds most of the entrances cringeworthy. Madi’s paper airplane is pretty cute, he remembers Kelley (and/or production reminded him beforehand), and Hannah Ann is pretty normal. This season’s sole Lauren exceeds expectations in a killer jumpsuit. She’s also drop-dead gorgeous.

Victoria F. rolls up with, “I have a dry sense of humor but that’s the only thing about me that’s dry.” Which, okay? Weird flex to say you have a dry sense of humor and then make a lame sex joke that you can’t even say with a straight face.

Our standout lewk here goes to Lauren in the sick jumpsuit.

Then comes our episode’s first phone a friend to save this snoozefest: Hannah Brown walks out of the limo. The girls have extremely dramatic reactions and discuss what would happen if Hannah were on this season. First of all, that has never happened. You know why? Not that we put it past this show, but it would be extremely unfair to throw someone the lead already had feelings for into the mix with people he/she just met. It would be Nick V. and Kaitlyn on steroids. Anyway, Hannah returns the wings Peter gave her in his limo entrance on her season, gives him a go get ‘em, and leaves.

Cocktail Party

Peter finally enters the cocktail party and makes his toast about Hannah for some reason and starts tearing up?

It made us extremely uncomfortable and it was pretty clear he still had some sort of feelings for her. But alas, the show must go on, and the girls start talking to Peter. Hannah Ann gives Peter a painting of the Smoky Mountains that she painted with her dad; we grew up watching Bob Ross on PBS after school so this was an interesting crossover. Peter and Hannah Ann make out in full view of the other women and it’s super awk. He has a really cute moment with Victoria P. where she mentions she’s never received flowers from a guy before. Victoria F. cries because …. the other women are pretty?

Sweetie, this is the Bachelor. It’s the pretty olympics. You’d think a girl who has allegedly broken up four marriages would have more confidence when it comes to competing with other women for a man. Alas.

Hannah Ann is the “Can I steal you for a second?” girl this season, and, while annoying, please keep in mind that the interruptions and night one stunts are usually producer-driven for dramz. Shiann is really upset with Hannah Ann for speaking to Peter multiple times, and Hannah Ann doesn’t seem to understand why? Hannah G. should have given her tips on staying out of drama.

There’s some drama with Mykenna and Natasha with paper airplanes. It was all worth it for this meme that we’re still cackling about:

Love you, mean it, Brett.

There’s a lot of making out. Is this normal? Colton’s season feels like a lifetime ago, we truly cannot recall. There have been several co-pilot jokes, but it seems like Peter is trying to fill the whole plane and rotate his co-pilot.

Hannah Ann gets the first impression rose (she’s also Jimmy Kimmel’s pick for F1; we don’t put a ton of stock in the popular theory that ABC tells him the outcome, but we can’t deny that he’s often correct).

First Rose Ceremony

The first rose ceremony is underway and the show doesn’t even try to hide that it’s morning at this point. They show Kelsey crying, and honestly we’d be crying after being up all night too.

Kelley gets the first rose, Victoria F gets the last. Your first night eliminations are: Maurissa, Jade, Avonlea, Megan, Eunice, Jenna, Kylie, and Katrina.

First Group Date

New dawn, new day, and we’re feeling good. Oh look we’re at flight school – did you know Peter was a pilot? We had no idea!

Our first group date has: Hannah Ann, Kelley, Deandra, Tammy, Courtney, Shiann, Victoria P., Jasmine and Victoria F.

The contestants go to “flight school” that is reminiscent of Ben Higgins’ season where he took the women to his high school and Hannah Brown’s baby date where the men couldn’t figure out the gestation period for a baby.

Imagine going on The Bachelor and then they ask you to do MATH? Hard pass. The contestants are predictably bad at these weird sex-themed flight questions. Then there is a “turbulence simulator” that honestly looks terrifying. Victoria P. got sick on the teacup ride at an amusement park once and is still upset about it. She overcomes it and does the activity regardless, and then throws up. Annaliese and her bumper cars could never. Could the show at least get some new b-roll of an amusement park? It’s like they went to Disney and filmed all the rides in dramatic fashion for any potential future contestants.

Then there’s an obstacle course where the women have to complete a series of flight tasks. One of the obstacles has the women slipping around on a tarp that honestly looks like it’s covered in s**t (it’s tomato sauce, but literally why is this happening?). The first two women who change into a pilot’s uniform (Tammy and Kelley) ride tiny bike “planes” through a cone obstacle course. Kelley cheats and makes a beeline for Peter rather than doing the course, which understandably rubs Tammy and some of the other girls the wrong way. Peter, however, clearly gives zero f**ks and wants to take Kelley on the sunset plane ride. They fly away together she makes a bad WiFi joke.

The group date cocktail party is at the Four Seasons – where Kelley and Peter first met – and, cue Taylor Swift, the sparks flew instantly. As is par for the course, they make out on a counter. ABC can try all they want but Peter will never be the smooth sex-pot they’re trying to make him out to be. He’s a precious little cherub and watching him throw girls on counters (or pool tables) makes us uncomfortable. We also have baby faces, we get it (seriously, the baby filter on Peter looks the same).

Peter has a really cute moment with Victoria P. and she says it’s the best she’s ever been treated. He runs out and picks flowers for her since she told him night one that she’d never been given flowers. Seriously, how is this possible for someone as pretty and delightful as Victoria P?? In the words of Tyler C., do better, male species.

The other girls are not huge Kelley fans, but she ends up with the group date rose and definitely seems like an early front runner.

Back at the mansion, Sarah gets her only airtime this episode (if you remember from the preseason, Reality Steve thought she’d either be F1 or the next Bachelorette, but she unfortunately doesn’t make it very far) and reads the date card. Madi Prewett gets the first one-on-one. Historically, neither the first impression rose winner nor the first one-on-one date end up as F1, so Hannah Ann and Madi as the Final 2 will definitely be a departure from prior seasons.

First One-on-one

And now we have our second phone a friend of the episode: Peter’s parents. Well played, ABC, throwing Peter’s angelic family in to save this boring episode. Peter takes Madi to his parents’ vow renewals.

There are few things we want to do less on a first date than meet the guy’s whole family, but Madi seems really pumped about it, proving that she is infinitely more compatible with Peter than we are. We’re not really shown much of this date, but it seems like Peter’s family really likes Madi (which would track with our theory that Barbra is tearfully encouraging Peter to run after her at the final rose ceremony), and that she fits in well. She obviously catches the bouquet and then they attend an awkward concert with an artist we’ve never heard of before today. Madi gets the rose.

The Second Group Date (paging life alert)

The second group date features: Lauren, Sydney, Peyton, Natasha, Alexa, Kelsey, Mykenna, Alayah, and Savannah. We’re just tired.

They roll up to a date planned by Peter’s “friend” who knows him really well (spoiler: it’s Hannah). Our third and final phone a friend of the episode. She tells an extended version of the windmill story, and then alerts the women they will be telling sex stories on stage in front of an audience. Then we see Hannah, clearly upset, talking to Chris Harrison about how she feels. She says she cared for Peter and loved him, etc. Now, we love our boy CH, but we’ve watched too much UnREAL to think this was just fatherly concern. The makeup artist did not give Hannah waterproof mascara for a reason.

They show Hannah crying in the other room and Peter comes in to …comfort her? He walks in and says, “Hey birthday girl…” and she says, “don’t.”

But alas, he does.

Again, we’ve seen too much UnREAL to think this was a spontaneous interaction. Look, both of them are genuine people, but we’re not going to kid ourselves and think there weren’t producers who told Peter to ask her these questions. Peter asks Hannah to join his season and we hear her reply, “maybe” – but, again, we know too much about this show to take it at face value. Unless you physically see someone say something, it could be a voiceover from any other time. What we do see is Hannah walk away and stand as physically far away as she can.

He asks Hannah if she regrets sending him home, and she admits she questions it all the time. She says she had no doubts that it was going to be him and Jed and, although Peter and the internet act like this is new information, it’s exactly what she said on ATFR (“I had no doubts you’d be meeting my family”) and in the episode she sent him home (CH: “do you know what you’re going to do?” HB: “yeah, but it changed in a day”). She said repeatedly that her Fantasy Suite date with Tyler changed her mind and that he surprised her, etc., so it’s unclear why people are acting like this was some earth-shattering revelation.

Peter says he wished she’d asked him out instead of Tyler – we get it, but, maybe he shouldn’t have accepted The Bachelor role the week prior if he was still wanting to get back with Hannah? Hannah says she and Tyler had been in touch, etc, and she said it didn’t occur to her to ask Peter out.

The episode ends with Peter, confused AF, and clearly still in his feels about Hannah. We know Hannah doesn’t end up on his season – she did have a whole season of DWTS that she crushed, after all – so it’ll be interesting to see how this concludes next week.

It’s only episode one, but it’s clear that Peter is a hopeless romantic who falls very hard, very fast, and for that reason, we are excited to watch this mess unfold. You know where to find us next week. Xoxo, bachsleuthers.

Any final thoughts on the premiere? As a spoiled viewer, did you have a different perception of last nights events? Let us know in the comments.