The Bachelor season 24 premiere recap: Pete, dismay, love?

The Bachelor Season 24 premiered last night and, well, that was…new. Have you ever seen one of those videos where the trailer to a rom com is edited to be a horror film? Welcome to this season of The Bachelor.

*Spoiler alert ahead: If you have not watched the season 24 premiere of The Bachelor, be wary of episode spoilers ahead.*

“We should cut her in half later.” – Chris Harrison

Flash Forward

The Bachelor premiere starts out like a murder mystery where in the opening scene we watch someone die, then spend the remaining portion trying to figure out whodunit. We open with a delightful flash forward to presumably the final rose ceremony (unless the shot with Peter and a lone rose is a fake-out à la Colton’s “ring”). Instead of the saccharine ~love story~ we’re typically subjected to in the premiere, we instead see a preview of the final chapter of Peter’s sad, handwritten book. Accompanied by a sister soundtrack to Hannah’s tumble down a random Grecian road, Peter receives some ominous news from Papa Chris and things do not appear to be soaring. The scene ends with Peter laying on a bed surrounded by his therapists, or alternatively, producers, distraught after receiving, “the last thing that needed to hear.”

In typical whiplash fashion, we then cut immediately to the promo we are used to and deserve. We dealt with the dumpster fire that was the canine crooner last season. Can we just have nice things for once, ABC?

Introducing: Pilot Pete

It’s so cool that ABC got Jessica Simpson to reprise her iconic role and do a cameo. Loved the shot of her washing down the plane.

The promo gives us a New Years treat: 12 Peter makeouts, 11 comments that ‘Peter is hot’, 10 exotic locations, 9 shots of abs, 8 jumping leg-wrap hugs, 7 girls crying, 6 contextless “wooooos!”, 5 debatable ass grabs, 4 times in the windmill, 3 hours I’ll never get back, 2 pleas from Barbara, and the return of the one and only Hannah B.! Let’s get started.

Peter trying to sexily climb into the cockpit is the vibe of this season. I already have a fear of flying again. Weird flex of an awkwardly long montage of him and Hannah but ok. Didn’t we already get closure on this on ATFR? In July?

I imagine that Chris and Peter send each other “u up” texts and just go on pensive car rides together in LA. These airport shots of Peter are hilarious. I love that they didn’t even attempt to make the terminal shots look interesting as Peter weaves through a sea of suitcases. Stars, they’re just like us!

The Intros

Alexa is a caregiver. And by care, I mean waxer. And by giver, I mean of Brazilians. I for one cannot wait for her scope of shilling. Everyone’s been dying to hear about my ingrown hair routine! “Waxing is a lot like love, you have to bare it all!” is my new favorite Bachsimile.

My name is Hannah Ann, the Ann stands for ann-oying. But seriously, are we above initials? Justice for Laurens B-Z.

Tammy did not come to play and I’m here for it. Over under on how much more she can dead lift than Peter? I would not ask Tammy if I could steal him for a sec.

Victoria P. had a pretty tragic upbringing; she lost her father at a young age and took care of her sister when her mother subsequently struggled with addiction. She channeled this into becoming a nurse. Victoria is likely beyond her years, and her package screams strong contender. Definitely keep tabs on her journey.

Curveball! This isn’t the Bachelor, it’s When Peter Met Kelley. Kelley had a meet cute with Peter in a hotel lobby over the summer and came to file a motion to dismiss the season. Back, meet target. Kelley’s coming in hot. As an aside, choose your fighter: Kelley or Jojo’s brothers?

Madi is just a girl, looking for her Troy Bolton. Classic frontrunner music while Madi shows off some serious buckets. The pensive Auburn University shots scream final four.

The entirety of Montana is cancelled. Team Maurissa.

Limo Entrances

Peter finally rolls up to the mansion like what up, I got a big cockpit. As there’s no hot tub premiere party this time around, we get right to the limo arrivals.

Alayah, 24: Nice touch with the letter from grandma, but all I can hear is, “you don’t understand, this is an Alaïa!” Cher Horowitz for Bachelorette 2020.

Sydney, 24 : “Not every girl from ‘Bama makes bad decisions!” Spend a season getting brainwashed in a room with dog jingles and then get back to me, Sydney.

Hannah Ann, 23: My name is Hannah Ann, the Ann stands for fash-ann. Most stunning dress I’ve seen on the show thus far tbh. Girlie is killing it in teal.

Lauren, 26 : LAUREN’S PANTSUIT IS MY FINAL ROSE RECIPIENT.

Victoria P., 27: The happy dance was cute, but I had flashbacks of Blake’s BIP intro and now I need to be held.

Eunice, 23: Check your Bachelor bingo card. Someone called Judge Trudy because we’re bringing in the Dancing Flight Attendants. Enter Jade and Megan!

Madi, 23: I commend Madi’s level of enthusiasm while running down the mansion driveway in a 30-pound paper airplane wearing heels.

Tammy, 24: Tammy came to the wrong set. Justin Timberlake, the Lonely Island and their large package are on the next lot.

Oh good, a break from the TSA screening for some pilot puns. I’m closing my eyes for takeoff until these intros liven up.

Kiarra, 23: Is she a contortionist? That’s literally my only question.

Lexi, 26: This is Lexi. Lexi pulls up in a sweet ride. Lexi knows men like cars. Lexi is smart. Be like Lexi.

Deandra, 23: It was only a matter of time. Are any of these contestants uncomfortable with the concept of sex jokes starring your hopeful future boyfriend’s most recent ex-girlfriend? Payton reassures us this is an apparent no.

Victoria F., 25: Pro-tip: dry senses of humor do not include laughing at the punchline. Why is this show the way that it is?

Jenna, 22, Ashley P.: Hi, I’m Jenna and this is Ashley P., and we’re both Gemini vegetarians.

Savannah, 27: Could someone direct me to where the windmill jokes turned into Peter being Christian Grey? Well, that was sufficiently unchill. Not to be that person, but reverse the roles and it’s just…imagine Luke P. pulling this on night one last year.

Kelley, 27: This was not a round two of Nick and Liz’s sex event. Peter seemed genuinely happy to see Kelley. Kelley and Peter rehearsed this two-step in advance, change my mind.

Alexa, play Return of the Mack because our beast is baaaaaaack. Hannah Brown exists the final limo and Peter is shooketh. This is my favorite quote of the episode: “Is she competing?” “Is that legal?” Not according to bachutory code (Peter has his pilot puns, let me have mine).

I have to be honest – I was not expecting this level of emotion from Peter. Usually, the final 3 contestants have fully phoned it in by MTA/ATFR and we’re made painfully aware of the effect of the Bachelor bubble. Hannah B. would like a word. She gives him back his wings, and the bruised ego is palpable. Say what you want about her appearance, but name another former lead who had this many men pressed 6 months after her season ended.

In my personal opinion, it’s blatantly obvious that this appearance was nothing more than a requirement per her contract. Has anyone ever actually seen one of those? I imagine it reads nothing short of a full liability waiver you sign going skydiving. This becomes obvious in her encore appearance at the end of the episode; we’ll get to that after Peter stuffs his first rejects in Kiarra’s conveniently brought luggage. At least there were no guitar cases on the luggage dolly.

Cocktail Party

Please refer to the above sentiment. Nothing says emotionally available like crying at the mention of your ex’s name while toasting a supposed encouragement to your 30 prom dates.

Alayah’s letter from grandma was an A1 humble brag. Peter can’t read, but he’ll be the pilot on your upcoming flight. Hopefully there aren’t any controls that rhyme with ‘looks’! Madi puts on a fire first impression display by asking Peter about himself à la Bekah M. to Arie. She makes it clear that he has qualities that get her engines revving. She’s a lock for hometowns.

Peter, here’s a tip. Do a walk-through of the mansion to find literally any other less central spot to make out in on night one. I’m confused as to why this painting was made by Hannah Ann and her dad. Is this a new Bob Ross technique? If she makes it to hometowns, Peter and Mr. Ann must have a painting with a twist one-on-one.

Nothing says kinky like handcuffs and a pair of surgical gloves. What is with these contestants tying up Peter to make out with him? I thought we were interpreting windmill gate the other way around. It shouldn’t be this difficult.

Natasha broke can I steal him for a sec. “Are you asking me? Because the answer is no.” Put that on my tombstone. Mykenna throwing paper airplanes at them is expert level passive aggressive. Is this airplane fight the female version of a pissing contest?

Guess who’s back, back again, Hannah Ann, she’ll soon have no friends. Was this absolutely pointless conversation worth the villain role? Time will tel-aaand she’s back. I feel like this is classic Dobler-Dahmer. Peter likes harmless, cute Hannah Ann: Lloyd Dobler. Luke P. on night one: Jeffrey Dahmer. Peter, DISCRETION IS YOUR FRIEND. Any qualms with Hannah Ann’s aggressive approach aside, this is on Peter for continuously making out with her directly in front of a group of women. That said, Shiann’s attempt to decipher whether Hannah Ann is a sociopath was the highlight of the night.

“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested. And the frog dies of it.” – E.B. White.

Victoria F. decides to grab a scalpel anyways, and what do you know? She kills the frog. Not only does Peter admit that he doesn’t remember her “dry humor” joke, but she exudes absolutely zero dry humor vibes. Victoria F. should be grateful for Victoria P.’s interruption, because the only thing that was about to be dry were the petals on her rose as it died inside the mansion. Take a shot if you predicted tears in the first hour.

Peter needs a cold shower. Is it Kelley or Hannah B. you’re looking for? Remind me again why Peter needed a whole entire season of 30 women when he could’ve just squatted in a nearby hotel lobby.

Surprise, the first impression rose only goes to the girl who Peter has made out with twice already, Hannah Ann. Don’t hate the villain, hate the male species.

First Rose Ceremony

The following lucky passengers made their connecting flight: Victoria P., Madison, Kelley, Lexi, Savannah, Lauren, Tammy, Alayah, Jasmine, Sydney, Natasha, Mykenna, Deandra, Sarah, Alexa, Kelsey, Payton, Kiarra, Courtney, Shiann and Victoria F.

LOL Peter just straight up cut the flight crew. Peter to the producers: I can literally find a flight attendant at my day job, bring on the influencers. #JusticeforMaurissa.

First Group Date

“Hopefully I’ll see all of you at the next rose ceremony.” – Chris Harrison.

LOL. Chris ‘Cold’ Harrison is in the building. Hannah Ann, Kelley, Deandra, Tammy, Courtney, Shiann, Victoria P., Jasmine and Victoria F. are the first to be thrown to the wolves, I mean embark on the season’s first group date.

Peter, you lost me at math class. If I’m drinking 5 glasses of wine per pilot pun, how long until I gleefully pass out? The Bachelor version of Dodgeball: thrust, cockpit, suck, squeeze, dodge. Imagine having the budget to go in a hot air balloon and instead sticking the contestants in a turbulence simulation contraption.

No one:

Absolutely no one:

ABC:

It’s a gyrosc-nope from me, dawg. We then get this season’s bumper car trauma courtesy of Victoria P.

Time for an obstacle course. Which starts with more mock turbulence. Did Shiann bring her barf bag? Asking for Victoria P. Why is ABC low-key simulating a plane crash? I have absolutely zero interest in role-playing the passenger in the exit row. I feel like Peter should have participated in this; I still have my qualms from his inability to read Grandma Alayah’s letter.

Kelley pulls a Belichick and cheats her way into the end zone, but it appears that Peter is Roger Goodell, aka he DGAF. He’s just trying to take Kelley back to the hotel motel Holiday Inn. As if on cue, the evening portion conveniently takes place in…the hotel where they had their lobby meet cute! This is truly magical to watch.

Cue quota of irritated girls over Kelley’s cheating scandal and front-runner status. Accordingly, she receives the first group date rose, but not before Peter hits the rest of the contestants with a gut-punch. Nothing says keep your hearts open like the following sentiment from Peter in front of all the women: “Kelley, it was pretty special coming back where we first met. Where that first spark, uh, kinda happened. Will you accept this rose?”

First One-on-one

Madi and Peter’s first date being Peter’s parents’ vow renewal ceremony is a Picasso-level representation of the entire franchise.

Nevertheless, Madi is an incredible sport and nails the landing. My only takeaway from this episode is protect Peter’s parents at all costs. For once, I’m not physically cringing at the musical performance. It wouldn’t be a Bachelor one-on-one without a choreographed routine featuring the entirety of Peter’s extended family. That’s the saying, right? The date is heavy on the bland side, but we learn that Madi not only can shoot hoops, she can also catch a bouquet. Unsurprisingly, Madi gets the rose.

The Second Group Date (sigh)

This is about the time my eye began to twitch – they really packed the absolute most into this episode. It was so nice of Peter to “ask a very good friend of his” to come host this date. It’s weird that they didn’t film the scene where he gave her a call and personally asked her to come down. Almost like it never happened that way!

Remind me to find Jesus in the shower if I ever decide to sign up for this show, because what on earth does ABC have on Hannah Brown? She returns to host a sex story themed group date and recants their windmill experience with the enthusiasm of a telemarketer.

The elation on their faces is almost too much to bear. Hannah then, with ever-so gentle coaxing from producers, begins to break down. I feel like I entered a simulation of a crossover between UnREAL and Black Mirror. Peter is then conveniently guided by his ventriloquists into the room where Hannah is sitting crying. Don’t try to pull this fast one, ABC, those questions were planned from a mile away. This sums up their interaction:

“Hey, birthday girl.” – Peter

“I’m sorry…don’t.” – Hannah

Hannah has gotten a lot of heat on social media for this appearance. Viewers seem to believe that any bit of this was a choice on the part of Hannah. Sure, one could argue that she knew what she was getting into from her own experience, and the classic mantra is the producers can’t show you saying something unless you say it.

All that said, let’s take a moment to recap when this was filmed. This took place on September 24th (also her birthday…thanks we hate it). This was the same month that Tyler C. and Gigi Hadid attended her grandmother’s funeral in the Netherlands. She was already hurt that he moved on so quickly, literally within the same week as their ‘drinks’ date, and then had to swallow those feelings of rejection to go host the date of her other ex-boyfriend as he dates 30 new women.

Consider Hannah’s mindset at the time of this date. It’s possible after what transpired with Tyler and Gigi that she felt rejected, potentially regretting some of her choices; this likely magnified when she was face-to-face with Peter and his suitors. Also, please recall when Hannah was visibly distraught over Luke P.’s inability to convey empathy and/or emotion and was literally encouraged to keep him by her producers as they urged, “it just takes time.” Sure, Jan. Keep in mind, if I know about this time frame, the producers unquestionably were well aware of the fragility of this situation. This is without even breaching the Jed topic.

Here’s an excerpt from Hannah’s Bustle Diary from that week that is pretty telling:

"I’ve lived in LA for I don’t even know how long yet and I haven’t really experienced it. I don’t know the fun things to do, I don’t know really anything except for going from one show to the next. I’ve lived this past year with my emotions being exploited for national television, and that is really hard sometimes, when you have a lot of bottled up emotions but you know every day you’re going to be in front of the camera. Because I am who I am, I can’t hold my emotions in, so I know they’re going to be exploited because I can’t hold it together. Because honestly, there are only a few hours of the day where I don’t have a camera on my face."

The scene itself is worth the watch as it really conveys a lot through their body language. Hannah looks like a cornered animal and could not physically be further across the room. Overall, it’s a lot of emotions, and way too much mess for the beginning of a supposed love journey. The episode ends after Peter goes full-on rogue and straight up asks Hannah to join the house. After a tepid “maybe,” we’re left with a puddle of mascara and a cliff-hanger.

I’m already exhausted and that was just episode one. This could and should have been broken up into two episodes. I suppose this is my karma for complaining about Colton’s hot tub premiere party. They weren’t kidding when they told us to expect turbulence. This one looks like it’s gonna be a doozy. Bottoms up!

What are your thoughts on this marathon premiere? Should Hannah have come back? Should Peter have asked her to join his season? Let us know in the comments below!