The Bachelor premiere breakdown: Flight school, meet the parents, and virginity tales

The news is out: our favorite pilot returns to our screens for The Bachelor premiere on Monday, January 6 at 8 p.m. EST.

The Bachelor/ABC dropped some hints in their press release about what to expect in this season of love. In case anyone had any doubts about whether ABC was pulling a fast one with their teaser of Hannah and Peter, the press release the network published on Monday gave us some insight.

Spoiler alert: they’re most likely just messing with us.

Make sure to buckle up for the January 6 premiere as it’s THREE HOURS LONG. Furthermore, they revealed a new twist for the opener this season:

"In a Bachelor first, the premiere will Feature the season’s first group andone-on-one dates."

That’s certainly ambitious. So, to be clear, I was robbed of Grocery Store Joe, but I’ll be subjected to a three-hour contestant marathon this premiere? Seriously, ABC, did you not learn from putting random contestants in a hot tub to fill time on Colton’s season? Less is always more.

A truly dramatic contestant entrance was promised: expect a woman pulling up with a giant paper airplane. Imagine having the chance to simply say Hello, It’s Me, Adele style, and instead drawing inspiration from your third grade art class. Further, coincidentally of course, the season will feature three flight attendants. It’s commendable that The Bachelor is dual-staffing the contestant pool and the travel staff all in one – very efficient of them. If you were tired of the pilot puns by now, I’d suggest a heavier pour of your wine on January 6.

Fret not, as the drama only takes flight from there. Mirror Ball Champion Hannah Brown will be making her entrance in classic Bachelor style, aka stepping out of a limo to a chorus of high-pitched shrieks of utter dismay. Plan to bring earplugs to your watch party.

Hey Bachelor Nation, did you know that Peter is indeed a pilot? In case you forgot, here’s what to expect in the season’s first group date:

"…Nine competitive women are put through flight school by special guests, veteran Marine Corps pilot Alisa Johnson and Katie Higgins Cook, the first female pilot in the Navy’s elite Blue Angels demonstration squad."

I have a lot of questions. Shouldn’t flight school already be competitive? It’s only our life in their hands after all. The press release unveils that, in true Bachelor fashion, the prize at the end of the rigorous drill tunnel will be a solo sunset flight with – you guessed it – Peter the Pilot. I for one am looking forward to said rigorous drills. Very Cadet Kelly.

In a completely normal first date setting, the lucky recipient of the first one-on-one date will be attending Peter’s parents’ vow renewals and meeting his entire family. No pressure, but if you don’t impress his great-aunt and twice removed cousins, you’re out. As is par for the course, there will also be a musical guest in attendance to perform their new hit song. Any guesses as to the genre?

Finally, the reason for Hannah’s appearance on the season is revealed. In case you forgot, Peter and Hannah did it in a windmill four times last season. As such, Hannah will be hosting the next group date of the season, which will be some odd live show where the press release tells us they’ll “be revealing their most memorable sex stories and fantasies in front of a live audience”. First off, what was sent out on this audience invite? Have you been dying to hear the sexual fantasies of 9 strangers? Your prayers have been answered this season on the Bachelor! Last season’s theme was horses in the back; this season will apparently be Peter in the sack.

The press release teases another potential reason for our favorite Alabamian’s return:

"But what happens when Peter discovers a distraught Hannah backstage? What she shares with him will leave them both as confused as ever. Do the two of them still have feelings for one another and share the same sizzling passion? Will Hannah join the group of women in the Bachelor mansion and continue to date Peter?"

I’ll be blunt, ABC – you gave Hannah Jed. She is absolutely not buckling up for a seat on this season. In case anyone forgot, they literally filmed a fake scene of Colton holding a ring for a promo on his season. I’ll throw all my chips in on the bet that this is all a smokescreen. But if The Bachelor does anything best, it’s teasers like this that keep us tuning in. That and watching the sheer embarrassment on the contestants’ faces when they’re informed they’ll be sharing their story of losing their virginity to a group of strangers and all of America watching.

Are you less cynical and believe there’s a possibility Hannah is joining The Bachelor for another shot with Peter? Share in the comments below!