The Bachelorette episode 2 reaction: Fast moves and fast food

With limos behind us, Monday night’s episode of The Bachelorette brought us our first glimpse at the hot mess of giant group dates. And what a mess it was.

Week one of official dating has begun! Our survivors who didn’t unluckily quit their jobs just for one night of partial TV fame are here to really showcase their personalities and start to win Hannah’s heart. We had oversharing, general creepiness, and a fast food flinging incident. Let’s see how things went down this week on The Bachelorette.

Our first group date brought a crew including Wannabe County Star Jed, It Rubs the Lotion on Its Skin John Paul Jones, and Love the Lord Luke to a theater in downtown L.A. where they learned they would be participating in a Mr. Right Pageant. Yep, time for the guys to walk a mile in Hannah Beast’s Miss Alabama shoes.

Miss J from America’s Next Top Model, and drag queens, Alyssa Edwards and Alaska Thunderf**k, assist the Bachelorette with the daunting task of judging the man meat parade. Naturally, our first event is the Speedo contest. I’m all for a little role reversal and I don’t think anyone was mad about the chance to ogle our almost nude contestants. Lots of jaws dropping and fanning happening both in the judge’s box, in the audience, and at home on the couches. More man objectifying, please and thanks, ABC Producers!

The talent portion had Jed rocking his guitar once again, John Paul Jones showing surprising skill on a unicycle, Mike rocking some legit pumps, and the horror show that was Luke displaying his true love for Hannah. Yes, we had the first L-bomb of the season. ALREADY. It’s the first date episode, people!

To the rest of America, and the other contestants, this giant red flag of a speech was waving harder than Hannah did while accepting her Miss Alabama crown. But, alas, our leading lady of The Bachelorette was open-mouthed smitten, presumably by the thought of Luke’s glistening abs, and was eating the whole thing up. Yuck. Also, I’m worried about our girl and her love blinders.

Tyler G. was the lucky recipient of our first one-on-one and Hannah wasted no time whisking him away in a helicopter that landed conveniently on the mansion lawn in front of the other losers, I mean, contestants.

Our pair landed in a field and proceeded to “get dirty” by riding four-wheelers in the mud which was showcased on Hannah’s all white getup. Like, yes, we know you want to prove that you can physically get dirty like the country girl you think you are, Roll Tide.

Nothing memorable happened on this date and the couple spent most of their time discussing how comfortable they are with each other. Tyler receives the “You seem safe and not crazy” rose and secures his spot on The Bachelorette for next week.

Group date number two has our gentlemen off to the races. Unfortunately for them, it’s the roller derby track and the only gambling to be done is on if they can keep their balance and limbs all in tact. Dustin gets hurt, no one understands the rules, and Fred Willard makes his seasonal guest host appearance to offer dry commentary.

We once again find ourselves in an antique shop for the group date cocktail party and things seem fine and dandy until everyone’s favorite stalker rolls up in an SUV. Yep, Rap Daddy Cam has come to soothe his rejected heart after not getting picked for any dates by hijacking this one. At least he brought flowers?

Hannah is surprised to see this uninvited guest, but still lets Creepy Cam interrupt Devin for a few cheesy moments during which she applauds his poor choices. The other guys are less than thrilled and decide to take turns letting the party crasher in on their feelings. Ya know, instead of using this time to talk to the Bachelorette.

The rose ceremony cocktail party begins with tears and I assumed that something was legitimately wrong, but of course it was just the Beast relieving her feelings of both happiness and confusion at this whole situation. It’s tiring being the center of attention!

Kevin and Hannah share a yell of release right before Always Be Creating Drama Cam steps in and informs the pair that he has a surprise for all three of them. Oh, goodie.

He leads them to a heart of candles with pillows in the middle and they sit down to enjoy some quality bonding time over chicken nuggets. Yes, Cam has brought the happy meal to the mansion. A quality representation of what the dad rapper brings to the table.

Later, Kevin tries to get back at Cam by throwing some nugs in his face, but it really didn’t phase our rhyming pun-master. Unfortunately.

What this episode of The Bachelorette has really been missing is more Amen Luke, and we got a whole handful when he brought Hannah over to his massage lair. Things started innocently enough, but then the making out turned into his shirt coming off which is conveniently when Give Me a Record Deal Jed decided to show up. Oops.

Awkward is an understatement and Hannah spewed a string of bleeped out words in embarrassment before finding Jed and discussing things like the adults they are pretending to be on TV.

We don’t lose anyone notable in the rose ceremony (no one will miss you Car Salesman Connor J.). And Cam continues the “I do what I want” bit by toasting to Hannah and attaching his own last name to her first, which no one understands because no one knows anything about anyone.

Bible Camp Luke has to have the last word and follows Hannah into her private confessional so he can show once again that he isn’t crazy and really is already in love with her. She sits on his lap and reassures him while simultaneously signaling to the cameras for help with her one free hand.

And that’s a wrap on episode 2 of The Bachelorette! I remain unimpressed with this crew, and really am more and more concerned about the psychos that are probably about to literally fight for this girl and her hand in marriage. Time will tell, but this kettle is starting to boil.