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The Bachelorette episode 1 recap: Hannah’s confetti cake

ByLaura Perkes|
THE BACHELORETTE - "1501" - It's a tractor...It's a plane...It's the self-appointed king of the jungle! Hannah's search for fierce love is matched with fierce competition as one hopeful bachelor sets a high bar by jumping the fence, while another pops out from the limo, in true beast fashion. At the end of the day, whether he is a golf pro looking to be Hannah's hole-in-one, a Box King seeking a woman who checks all his boxes, or a man with a custom-made pizza delivery, everyone wants a piece of Hannah's heart on the highly anticipated 15th season of "The Bachelorette," premiering MONDAY, MAY 13 (8:00-10:01 p.m. EDT), on The ABC Television Network. (ABC/John Fleenor)JOHN PAUL JONES, MATTEO, DARON, KEVIN
THE BACHELORETTE - "1501" - It's a tractor...It's a plane...It's the self-appointed king of the jungle! Hannah's search for fierce love is matched with fierce competition as one hopeful bachelor sets a high bar by jumping the fence, while another pops out from the limo, in true beast fashion. At the end of the day, whether he is a golf pro looking to be Hannah's hole-in-one, a Box King seeking a woman who checks all his boxes, or a man with a custom-made pizza delivery, everyone wants a piece of Hannah's heart on the highly anticipated 15th season of "The Bachelorette," premiering MONDAY, MAY 13 (8:00-10:01 p.m. EDT), on The ABC Television Network. (ABC/John Fleenor)JOHN PAUL JONES, MATTEO, DARON, KEVIN

Hannah is here to find love as the Bachelorette! This week she met her “confetti cake” of guys. Who brought their wings and who boxed it up and went home?

Gather ye round the television set, America. It is time for the only reason people still have cable: The Bachelorette Monday. Hannah is ready to explore her “confetti cake” of guys and find true love.

Hannah “The Beast” Brown is HERE. Gone are the days of Pageant Hannah! Hannah is all about honesty, transparency, and realness in her journey to find love. I don’t think I would necessarily use those words to describe the slew of budding Instagram influencers we met Monday night. This might be the group that finally pushes them to make a Fab Fit Fun box geared toward men.

So, THE MEN.

The limos finally arrive and the men of The Bachelorette pulled out some good gimmicks.

  • This year’s Chicago Joe is a box manufacturer and popped out of a… you guessed it, BOX.
  • A man named Matt Donald rolled up on a tractor, because his name sounds like Old McDonald.
  • We returned to Luke, who Hannah met at ATFR. Luke is pretty much Colton 2.0. We saw lots of showers, gym time, and toothy grins from Luke. Glad we can have another blonde hunk of man that obviously doesn’t know what he is doing around babies.
  • One guy threw Hannah a bachelorette party where they played the game where you try to shake ping pong balls out of an empty Kleenex box. It was cute, but they had no form or finesse in this activity. My grandma could have beat them.
  • Another cute little guy named Peter, who is a pilot, gave Hannah a set of wings. His sweet face, and the endearing music they played during his time, gives me the idea that we will see great things from Peter.

Unfortunately, The Bachelorette also had some bad ones:

  • Some poor man told Hannah his life creed. She isn’t going to remember your name let alone your stupid “8 C’s”, Michael Johnson.
  • John Paul Jones, the man who is leading the effort to bring back 90’s hair, said all of his names approximately 1000 times. If you say his name in the mirrors three times he will appear and do a hair flip. He looked like a real turd.
  • One poor nervous nugget hugged Hannah and said “give the sweet lady a nice hug,” like he was telling grandma goodbye as he left the nursing home.

First kiss of the night went to Cam, the freestyle rapper from ATFR who took home the first impression rose. Cam was polite and asked if he could kiss Hannah, because consent. His moves were as slick as his hair, which walks the line of looking like a 1920s banker that’s going to repossess your house.

Demi and Katie, being the great friends they are, watched the Bachelorette chaos in the house from a very suspicious, I mean, inconspicuous white van. It looked like the FBI. Well the FBI should hire Katie and Demi because they found a snake in the grass and told their girl Hannah. Scott better watch out.

Enter Scott: the pot-stirring, two-timer who had the audacity to show up with a girlfriend back home. When Hannah confronted him about it, Scott didn’t even look shocked. With every word Scott said in his “defense”, he just kept digging a deeper hole back to wherever he came from. He finally came clean and Hannah kicked him and his shifty eyes right out of the house.

Hannah was obviously upset about the Scott debacle and Luke ran after her to comfort her. It was sweet of him, but Hannah mentioned she was cold 3 TIMES and Luke did nothing. I could hear people shouting around the world “GIVE THE BACHELORETTE YOUR SUIT COAT, DUMB DUMB.”

It was time for Hannah to give out the first impression rose, and in true Hannah fashion she seemed a little confused at first. She sort of looked at it with big eyes and said “uhhh” then started to run around the mansion looking for…. you guessed it, Luke. He may have received the rose, but I don’t trust him. Time will tell!

First impression rose: Luke/Colton 2.0

Cut to the rose ceremony full of people we aren’t emotionally invested in yet. Hannah handed out her roses and there was great carnage. Many of my faves did make it! Box boy Joe is going straight to Paradise (seriously, read about that here). May the internet do their job and help him follow the legacy of the original Chicago Joe.

Old Matt Donald also didn’t receive a rose. E-I, E-I oh no. He deserved more.

Fallen homies: Ryan, Matt Donald, Chicago Joe 2.0, Chasen, Thomas, Hunter, and Brian. Oh yeah, and Scott.

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