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The Bachelorette season 15 premiere reaction: Practically perfect

By Laura Meinert

THE BACHELORETTE - "1501" - It's a tractor...It's a plane...It's the self-appointed king of the jungle! Hannah's search for fierce love is matched with fierce competition as one hopeful bachelor sets a high bar by jumping the fence, while another pops out from the limo, in true beast fashion. At the end of the day, whether he is a golf pro looking to be Hannah's hole-in-one, a Box King seeking a woman who checks all his boxes, or a man with a custom-made pizza delivery, everyone wants a piece of Hannah's heart on the highly anticipated 15th season of "The Bachelorette," premiering MONDAY, MAY 13 (8:00-10:01 p.m. EDT), on The ABC Television Network. (ABC/John Fleenor)HANNAH BROWN, CONNOR J.
THE BACHELORETTE - "1501" - It's a tractor...It's a plane...It's the self-appointed king of the jungle! Hannah's search for fierce love is matched with fierce competition as one hopeful bachelor sets a high bar by jumping the fence, while another pops out from the limo, in true beast fashion. At the end of the day, whether he is a golf pro looking to be Hannah's hole-in-one, a Box King seeking a woman who checks all his boxes, or a man with a custom-made pizza delivery, everyone wants a piece of Hannah's heart on the highly anticipated 15th season of "The Bachelorette," premiering MONDAY, MAY 13 (8:00-10:01 p.m. EDT), on The ABC Television Network. (ABC/John Fleenor)HANNAH BROWN, CONNOR J. /
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Our favorite hot mess express, Alabama Hannah, is back to find love with her own crew of bros in last night’s premiere of The Bachelorette.

It’s time to board the Monday night Hot Mess Express and join Miss Alabama Hannah Brown on her journey to find love because The Bachelorette is back!

Yes, your Monday evenings now have meaning again so fill up your wine glass and get comfy on the couch. And even better, it’s The Bachelorette meaning lots of man candy for your eyeballs. Praise be, Chris Harrison.

The first thing that needs to be said is a joyous “hallelujah!” because this premiere was a normal, two hour long, not live event full of unnecessary displays of previous Bachelor talent and annoying fan-girling crowds. This is the kind of episode I am here for.

Of course we saw a montage of Hannah learning she was going to be the Bachelorette and her Southern/pageant upbringing. It was wholesome and nice, but also introduced us to the apparent theme of the season, which idk why we need in the first place: perfection and the feeling to always be perfect.

Hannah says she has felt pressure to be perfect forever and Chris Harrison reminds her at the beginning of limo arrivals that it definitely won’t be perfect. I get that this is the pageant queen stereotype, but we all are aware The Beast isn’t perfect. Did you not see her awful toast to Colton last season?? I just really don’t want this phrase to get beaten as much as the virginity issue, but I doubt I get my wish.

After a mini home video series showing some travel footage of our contestants akin to the likes of Colton’s vlogging episode intros, we got our first glimpses to some of the men who are here for the right reasons.

The hunks were including, but not limited to the following:

Tyler, the contractor, who has a hot bod and was a wannabe dancer, but is definitely a try-hard.

Matt McDonald who lives on the farm, but looks like he’s never gotten dirty a day in his life.

Peter the Pilot who I am in love with. End of story.

Connor the Car Salesman who I despise because he sounds like the douchiest, bro of all time. Hard pass.

Luke P. who made a poor choice showcasing his fitness routine as an intro, then somehow made it worse by transitioning to a shower scene to discuss how he supposedly found God in said shower.

After the Bachelorette’s “besties”, Demi and Katie, (since when was this a thing btw?) helped Hannah prep for the night, it was limo time!

There was a fence jump, a giant box of packing peanuts, champagne in a baby carrier, two pilots back to back, and more awkward man-stuttering than has occurred this side of puberty in years. I guess we should be lucky no one showed up in an actual costume?

My faves were Garrett, the golf pro, who came out swinging with puns (see what I did there?), although I might be biased since my own boyfriend has a G name and is a golf pro, and Chasen, the other pilot, who has the most unfortunate white-boy name despite how cute he is.

Top of my hate list is John Paul Jones, the serial killer, who makes everyone call him by his complete name EVERY SINGLE TIME THEY SAY IT. Hannah needs to run away immediately before he traps her in a cage in his basement.

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I also don’t love Cam who attempts a second rap after his first success on After the Final Rose. Dude, you look like a nerdy dad who is trying to fit in with his teenage children, and you aren’t attractive enough for this shtick.

Shortly after we meet all the men, Demi and Katie roll in in a big white van so you know something is going down. These ladies start their surveillance mission of The Bachelorette because some girl messaged Demi that a contestant still has a boyfriend, and they just really want to help their friend find true love.

The target is spotted and they call Hannah outside to burst her bubble. Poor, nervous Scott is our apparent liar, and Hannah wastes no time in confronting him about his facade. Someone isn’t here for the right reasons right out of the gate?!? He stumbles over his words and tries to compare the situation to Hannah dating Colton, which does not go over well, and he is swiftly escorted off the show and out of our lives. Scott was a weirdo anyway. You go, ruthless Hannah Beast!

Hannah returns to the crew and makes a speech about how everyone else needs to be in it to win it, so any liars better confess their sins now or forever hold their peace! Shockingly, no one takes the bait, and Hannah takes a little moment to be pissed about this whole situation.

I’ve Found Jesus Luke goes to comfort her in a move that gets him the first impression rose. Yuck.

Next. Who is Luke Parker? All about The Bachelorette’s first impression winner. dark

It’s time to crush some hopeful hearts at the rose ceremony, and unfortunately we say goodbye to my crush Chasen, Farmer Matt, and Put My Junk in Your Box Joe. More importantly, John Paul Jones remains for another week AKA more chances to smell Hannah’s hair and fantasize about ways he can lure her into his dungeon. Get out while you can, Hannah!!

And that’s a wrap on the Bachelorette season premiere! TBH I’m not hugely impressed with this group of dudes, but I know my girl will keep it interesting if not awkward. See you next week!

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