The Bachelor episode 9 reaction: This time everyone is on the fence

The moment we have waited for has finally come! The Bachelor had his chance in the Fantasy Suites, but things didn’t exactly go according to plan.

The hype has been building all season. Will he or won’t he? No, I’m not talking about Colton losing his virginity in the Fantasy Suite. I’m talking about the infamous fence jump that has taunted us since the limos first rolled up to the Bachelor Mansion. But first let’s take a look at how we got here.

We left last week with Colton hastily exiting the barn of lights after distributing roses to Hannah G, Tayshia, and Cassie. The ladies pulled a Colton and stood around looking very confused while our main man slipped away to talk to Chris Harrison about his virginity once again. It was weird and awkward which set up the theme of our night perfectly!

Colton returns after his bro time to inform the remaining hopefuls that they should pack their bags for Portugal, the most romantic of places to have that cherry popped, and The Bachelor is off across the globe once more!

Amidst the scenic shots of the beautiful Portuguese landscape, we got an individual montage of each of our final three ladies contemplating their romantic journeys up to this point. Lots of “I’m in love!” and “I definitely see us together at the end of this!” garbage was spewed. Even Cassie was appearing more into the idea of being in love with I Can’t Want for Alone Time Colton!

First up to take a swing at rounding to home plate with Colton is Tayshia.

These two continue their airborne activities with a helicopter ride around the country and end up at a lighthouse on the edge of a cliff. Upon arrival, the Bachelor makes Tayshia sit on some rocks on the ground for a picnic AKA to chug glasses of champagne as they make sex jokes like two teenagers at prom. They stop the giggling long enough to climb up to the top of said lighthouse where they proclaim that they could do this for the rest of their lives. I, too, would be happy with a constant alcohol supply line as I am whisked around the world to beautiful locations!

The big night rolls around and Tayshia makes the drastic choice to spend the night with Colton. It’s not like she’s been talking about ripping that v-card away from him for the entire season now. Before they wander off to canoodle, Tayshia does reveal that her ex-husband cheated on her, so she takes intimacy very seriously despite every interview she has given leading up to this moment. The door shuts, the lights go off, and we hear giggles as The Bachelor fades to commercial.

The next morning, the pair looks too put together to have done the deed. They have breakfast and Tayshia reveals that they did not physically get intimate, but that their conversations were very intimate and it’s definitely love. Colton meanwhile tells the camera that he isn’t sure he is falling for Tayshia. Awkward.

Next up to the plate is Maybe I’m Not Ready For This Cassie. She and Colton take a convertible drive around town before wandering the streets and making out in every alleyway possible. They marvel at the scenery that is each other’s faces and dance with cute old people before perching on a wall to discuss how the hometown date went.

Thinking everything was hunky-dory, Colton unintentionally bursts Cassie’s ever-filling love bubble by informing her that he does not have her father’s blessing to propose at the end of this. Cassie is dumbfounded and acts as misled as Ja Rule after Fyre Festival. “I too was hustled, scammed, bamboozled, hood winked, lead astray!!” she proclaims. The pair parts ways to get ready for their evening together with Cassie’s confidence shaky at best.

The devil may work hard, but the Bachelor producers work harder. Minutes after returning to her hotel room, Cassie’s dad appears at her door (yes, they flew him to Portugal) to offer his advice on the situation. He repeats all the clichés about love at first sight and “when you know, you know” and how love with the right person shouldn’t be hard. This reinforces Cassie’s confusion, but she admits that she doesn’t know what to do or if she can get there with Colton.

Dad says what we have all been thinking; “Go home because you aren’t ready for marriage, you ignorant slut!” Ok, maybe it was nicer, but the gist of the message was the same.

While getting dolled up after her dad has left her side, Cassie announces that she will be sending herself home that night. And all the girls who warned Colton numerous times upon their exits about her lack of being ready rejoiced!

Nestled on a cozy couch, Colton kicks things off with a toast to how perfect their day together was. Cassie agrees with hesitation in her eyes and then things get repetitive. Now Cassie is the one playing the role of confused lost puppy!

After telling the Bachelor that she loves him, but she isn’t IN love with him, Colton begins to visibly shake as Cassie attempts to muster up some tears to show that she is sincere. She is not ready for an engagement in a week. He whispers fearfully asking if she intended to go home tonight to which she responds, “IDK! IDK! IDK! IDK!” Cassie then says she has to go and makes her exit.

But Colton will not let this fly because Cassie is The One so he chases her down and persuades her back to the couch for more discussion about the fact that she can’t do this and really wants to go home. Colton finally concedes even though he could just not propose at the end of this journey and they both agree that they want each other to be happy in the future. Cassie’s car drives off into the night and Angry Colton emerges like The Hulk dead set on escaping his prison of love.

THE FENCE JUMP IS HERE.

Hulk Colton punches a camera out of his face, rips off his microphone, storms off towards the driveway gates and then leaps over it with the greatest of ease. The Bachelor disappears into the darkness. Naturally, Chris Harrison is called immediately, who drops the f-bomb at this new development, and the manhunt begins. Much like attempting to find a lost dog, Chris and the crew call Colton’s name and whistle loudly across the black night to no response. And we are at the end of the episode.

Next week’s dramatic two part finale may actually live up to the hype as the most dramatic season ever, y’all! Personally, I’d like to watch the full footage of Chris trying to find Colton rather than what I assume will be Colton attempting to win Cassie back, but that’s just me. Also, is Hannah even getting her date in the Fantasy Suite?! Who knows.

Until then, see you at The Women Tell All!