The Bachelor episode 9 recap: Fantasy Suites will make you jump, jump

This week on The Bachelor, Colton faces Fantasy Suites, heartbreak, and fences. What happened to our heartthrob? Who broke his heart, and will he be okay?

This week on The Bachelor, we learned that Fantasy Suites are just not for Colton. He was eliminated right before Fantasy Suites with Becca, left before the Fantasy Suites on Bachelor in Paradise, and then this dumpster fire happened. This episode was wiggity wack and, fair warning, left me ugly crying.

Just after Caelynn left, Chris and Colton had a little heart to heart about the impending doom, I mean Fantasy Suites. The poor girls were still inside thinking that Colton had quit, but Chris and Colton were just talking about expectations and where Colton’s head was at.

The Bachelor eventually dragged himself back to the room and told the girls they were going on another trip! Colton recited a very lovely paragraph clearly written by the Portugal board of tourism, and they all went on their way. Someone really should have briefed him on how to correctly say, “Algarve.”

Tayshia was graced with the first run at Fantasy Suites. Colton showed up with his cute little overnight bag and shirt that looked like a cozy blanket. The couple rode a helicopter (classic Bachelor) to a pretty castle and had a picnic. Someone still needs to teach Colton how to pronounce the names of places in Portugal, because he just kept slaughtering them. Portugal was beautiful, but the day date was a little uncomfortable. Tayshia doesn’t have anyone else to talk about, so she didn’t have much to say.

In the evening, Colton wore a scarf to dinner and Tayshia wore a tiny romper that led to a lot of wardrobe malfunctions and some awkward conversation. Their outfits suggested two very different weather scenarios. Who was right?? It didn’t matter though, because when the Bachelor pulled out the envelope from under the tablecloth like a close-up magician, everyone stopped caring that Tayshia had just flashed America.

Tayshia accepted the invitation to the Fantasy Suite, surprise. The producers played some whimsical music while Colton and Tayshia pranced off together. The couple had some awkward chit chat and then cut to the next morning. Tayshia did not look happy and Colton looked like he had been crying, but they said they had a good time, so who knows.

After the shocking turn of events where they actually ATE the food, Colton went on his merry little way and Tayshia stood contemplating their future while gazing out at Portugal.

Next came Cassie’s date. Colton was SO excited to see her. SO EXCITED. The two wandered around Portugal, seeing the sights and going shopping. They were so cute and happy and spent a lot of time kissing in a little alleyway. Um, where were the people who typically use this alley as a thoroughfare? They had to take a different route so one crazy kid in love could smooch a very unsure girl.

Colton and Cassie sat down for a chat, and this is where everything started to go south for the Bachelor. Cassie was still confused and Colton most definitely was not. He was all in. Colton talked to Cassie about hometowns, and Cassie was straight up SHOOK when Colton told her that her dad didn’t give him permission. Right then and there we watched Cassie unravel.

The Bachelor producers knew there was more pot to stir on this issue, because who came knocking on Cassie’s hotel door? You guessed it, her dad. They flew him all the way to Portugal to “talk Cassie through this,” which really meant “talk her into going home.”

The devil may work hard, but these Bachelor producers work smart. I am glad that Cassie’s dad came back, because last episode he looked like a real jerk. This episode he looked more like a concerned parent.

Cassie’s dad, I mean Cassie, decided it was time for her to go home because she has doubts and this isn’t for her and there are other girls and she is confused blah, blah, blah. Poor Cassie just tries to make everyone else happy and listens to too many voices. What she needed was someone to sit down and listen, not give advice, because all it did was add to her confusion.

Cassie decided to tell Colton she was leaving at dinner, which was like a little bit unfair because she showed up looking like a million bucks and then expected him to let her go.

Cassie broke the news, and it broke the Bachelor. The look on Colton’s face was sheer devastation. Cassie was still on the fence (lol) about leaving and hemmed and hawed for what felt like hours. At this point, I didn’t even care about the fence because my heart was breaking for Colton.

Colton told Cassie that he didn’t care if they got engaged at the end. He was in love with her and it was going to be her at the end of this. He said that since Thailand, it has only been Cassie, and going on dates with other girls was hard because he only wanted to be with Cassie.

Colton’s profession of love didn’t stop Cassie from leaving. He packed her into the car and she drove off to the airport while he stomped up to the room they were supposed to spend the night in.

The audience heard some shuffling and then the Bachelor came busting out of the room with fire in his eyes. He stomped away from the cameras like an angry toddler and threw his mic on the ground. A staff member yelled, “Somebody get Chris!” Chris was dragged out of his trailer to try and calm our brooding Bachelor, but, alas, it was too late.

Colton jumps the fence.

Colton jumping the fence was less fun once you saw all the pain he went through to get there, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t cheer like my team had scored the winning touchdown in the Super Bowl.

We finally saw a little more hustle from Chris as the Bachelor team went into panic mode over losing their money maker. Our little baby Colton is wandering around in the wilderness of Portugal! I want to see some movement, people!!

Will they find Colton? Will he just start a new life as a man of the woods? Will he ever learn how to pronounce “Algarve”?

Find out next week, on The Bachelor.