The Bachelor episode 8 recap: Disapproving dads

This week on the Bachelor, Colton traveled to the Final Four’s hometowns. There were horses, planes, and skeptical families. Did Colton gain their approval?

Welcome to Hometown Week on The Bachelor! Colton traveled from sea to shining sea this week! I wanted to like this episode SO much, but it just didn’t do it for me. It was missing the extra oomph that Hometowns need to push us through the rest of the Bachelor season.

I don’t know why shower scenes have become Colton’s “thing,” but no more please. We know you are clean, we know you are a good-looking dude. His precious little slippers were the most exciting thing about the opening scene. It brought me such joy to see them in his little room.

Caelynn started the Hometown dates, and it was uneventful. They took a tour around Fredericksburg, Virginia in a horse and carriage, which was surprising because I thought we got rid of those things. The horses took Colton and Caelynn to an ice cream shop, which is obviously the most important place anyone can go. I don’t think they tried the flavor of the month: Fence jumper.

Caelynn’s family didn’t seem too into the Bachelor. I’ve been more excited about winning extra lives on Candy Crush than her family was about meeting Colton. They just sort of milled about and worried about Caelynn.

Despite the lukewarm welcome from her family, Caelynn’s interaction with her step-dad John was the shining moment of Hometowns. She told John that she was thankful for him and he has been a great dad. Why am I crying?

I wrote a short poem about Caelynn’s Hometown:
She is not into this,
Her step-dad is not into this.
Sister isn’t here for this,
Mom isn’t here for this.

Hannah G, now the only Hannah, told Colton that since he was in Birmingham, Alabama he needed to learn how to be the perfect southern gentleman. To beef up the Bachelor’s skills, they were going to an etiquette class!! Wow! The look on his face was sheer disappointment.

The poor lady teaching the class looked pained as Colton moved his bear paws around the dinner table, while Colton looked like a kid at Legoland – full of sheer wonder and discovery. The teacher shared a terribly antiquated metaphor about how Hannah has an “umbrella” and single-handedly set women back about 50 years. In said metaphor, Hannah’s parents had been holding an umbrella over Hannah for her whole life, keeping Hannah safe. Was Colton ready to carry that umbrella? Hold up. Hannah can hold her own daggum umbrella.

No more princess academy, give us the fence!

Hannah’s family was an interesting group. Hannah’s mom constantly looked like her worst enemy stole her winning bingo card. It was an uneventful dinner full of the classic skeptical parents. It’s like they don’t know what their children sign up for when they go on The Bachelor!

It would be nice if Colton at least TRIED to change the words a little bit more when he asks the dad’s for permission. This is going to be a long episode.

Tayshia was out for revenge on her Hometown. Colton had barely set foot in Orange County, California when Tayshia blindfolded him. She told Colton she had lots of surprises for him. Lots of surprises? Like that your ex-boyfriend is there and is actually still your boyfriend?

Colton played along with the blindfold and tried to find his way to a car, like me trying to get from my room to the fridge in the middle of the night. The blindfold is really obsolete because Colton doesn’t know where he is going. He’s not from California and who knows how to get somewhere without a GPS?

Tayshia took the Bachelor…skydiving!!! This was a terrible idea, considering they are both afraid of heights, BUT this is perfect revenge for their first one on one where Colton took Tayshia bungee jumping. All in all, they made it to the ground in one piece.

Forget jumping out of the plane, jump over the FENCE, Colton. THE FENCE.

It was very polite of Tayshia to wear a necklace that spelled out her name…just in case he forgot it. The couple finally wandered over to Tayshia’s parent’s home and we were blessed. Tayshia’s dad spit mad wisdom the whole time Colton was in their home. I wanted to cross stitch every sentence out of his mouth and hang it on my wall. Can we get this man his own TV show? This show would also need to include her little brother because I took one look at him and immediately wanted to be his best friend. What a cool kid!

Cassie’s Hometown sent Colton to the real-life filming location of that video board in Hollister: Huntington Beach. What an honor to be on set! Since they are in California, Colton and Cassie had to do the only California activity: surfing. Cassie did her best to try and teach Colton, but the Bachelor just flopped around like a rag doll.

When Cassie took him to her parent’s house, Colton fit right in with all the other blondies. Every single person in that family seemed outrageously skeptical of the whole “process” and of Colton in general. Cassie’s dad was the biggest downer on the whole situation. Cassie tried talking to him, but the minute she said, “I’m not dumb,” you know she was actually saying “I am not being heard.” The conversation between father and daughter didn’t go very far.

Colton pulled out his most genuine speech when asking Cassie’s dad for his permission. Is this a hint? Doesn’t matter though, because her dad said no.

The girls congregated back at what must have been a fancy light bulb factory to await their fate. After a great suspense, Colton sent Caelynn home, and, boy, was it a teary goodbye. Caelynn cried and cried all whilst Colton looked confused, but, as he said, he had to follow his heart.

You want to follow you heart, Colton? Follow your heart right over the fence.

Fallen homies: Caelynn