This week on The Bachelor we saw tears, tiffs, and trains. Colton made the most of his time in Denver and sent home 3 girls. Did your favorite survive?
The opening scene of this week’s episode of The Bachelor told us a lot about what the next two hours would be like: Colton crying and swearing about how confused he is. Well, we are, too, buddy.
This week, the gang jetted off to Colton’s hometown of Denver. Colton was happy because he got to see his family and recenter. I was happy because Denver is home to none other than the sweetheart of Bachelor Nation: BENJAMIN HIGGINS. Ben and Colton met up to chit chat about life and how hard it is to be so handsome, I mean be the Bachelor. I still secretly hope that Ben will be the next Bachelor. This is the hill I will die on.
The girls met Colton at a park in Denver and reaffirmed my opinion that Colton should send the rest of the girls home and pick his dog Sniper. Sniper is always there for the right reasons, would never tattle on someone else, and wouldn’t wear a mesh shirt to a park in the fall (I’m looking at you, Hannah B).
This week on The Bachelor there were three one-on-one dates and one group date. The first solo date went to Tayshia! The couple wandered around Denver doing what Colton claims is a normal Saturday for him. I don’t know about you, but my Saturdays consist of sweat pants and errands, not oysters and rosé.
Colton, of course, brought up last week’s messy goodbyes and Tayshia confirmed that she also thought there were girls still in the competition that weren’t…. Say it. Out loud… Here for the right reasons. She branded Caelyn and Cassie as the two offenders. The poor guy tried to hold back tears while Tayshia told Colton her theory, which was entirely based on the girls acting defensively. Seems unfounded to me, but oh well.
After, the Bachelor took Tayshia back to his apartment where they cooked dinner together. How romantic! He showed Tayshia “where the magic doesn’t happen” and Tayshia showed Colton a Pirates jersey with his name on the back. I don’t think they ever ate the food they made. A tragedy, if you ask me.
The next one-on-one date went to Caelynn, which was no accident. It is time to hear Caelynn’s side of the story, but only after a fun romp around in the snow. Colton and Caelynn went snowboarding! When they got to the hill, all of their gear was set up ever so delicately in the snow. Who set that up?? It’s probably the same person who lights all of the candles for The Bachelor.
My biggest concern during this date was not that we were knee deep in the biggest she said, she said of the season, but WHERE is the lodge at this resort? That is clearly the best part of any snow activity and the only place you will find me.
Colton and Caelynn finally got down to the nitty gritty and talked about the elephant in the room. Caelynn didn’t look too shocked by the accusation, but was very offended by the lies Tayshia was spewing. Obviously Caelynn was going to defend herself against the claim that she is only here to be the next Bachelorette. That kind of snake-like behavior is not becoming. There were lots of tears on both ends, but things turned out fine and Caelynn got the rose.
Trying to choose who you believe between Caelynn and Tayshia is like deciding if you are team Edward or team Jacob. Both sides have their merits, but your misguided teenage heart just can’t be swayed from your favorite. To be honest, I don’t believe either one. I am team Neither.
The last one-on-one for this episode of The Bachelor went to Hannah B. Hannah and Colton went to visit a heard of giants, I mean, his family. WOW. I have never seen such a tall group of people. Colton looks exactly like his dad, so we don’t need to wonder what he will look like in 30 years.
This experience was a LOT of pressure for Hannah, but she didn’t crack this time! Hannah held her own and carried herself well throughout the experience.
Colton and Hannah had dinner at an airplane hanger. About halfway through you could tell that this ship was going down. Hannah reconfirmed her feelings for him and Colton told Hannah he didn’t feel the same. Colton packed Hannah B. in the car and sent her home. That beautiful dress didn’t deserve this.
The leftover girls congregated for the group date of this episode. Hannah G, Cassie, Heather, and Kirpa hopped on an old-school train with Colton. I was hoping the train would take us to Hogwarts or at least away from our troubles, but it just went to a bunch of trees.
Poor Heather. The whole train ride she looked like she was going to vomit. She did end up word vomiting and told Colton she wasn’t ready for all of this and that she was going home. Oh sweet, sweet Heather. We could all tell from the beginning that you weren’t ready for the Bachelor hometowns, let alone marriage.
Colton walked Heather to the train and watched her fade off into the distance like they were in a Russian romance novel. All we were missing was streaming tears and waving hankies. It was painful to watch, as are 99% of our interactions with Heather.
This left Kirpa and Cassie to duke it out on the group date. Hannah G. was smart and stayed far away from the drama. She got a rose at dinner and literally ran away from the impending doom that was the rest of this date.
Kirpa fully believed that Cassie and Caelynn weren’t there for the right reasons, and Cassie fully believed the opposite. After shouting, tears, a surprise visit from Caelynn, and even more tears, Kirpa was sent home. Kirpa really did her best to stay relevant, but it just didn’t happen. Hometowns here we come!
Colton didn’t jump the fence this week and I’m mad. We are just their play things. Jump the fence already!!
Fallen homies: Heather, Hannah B and Kirpa