Back in the good ole US of A, The Bachelor returned from the slaughterfest that was Vietnam with seven ladies in tow still vying for his heart.
On this more important than ever episode of The Bachelor last night, we traded the hot and steamy for the cold and familiar as Colton brought his gaggle of girls to his hometown of Denver, Colorado.
Right away Colton meets up with his BFF, Ben Higgins, to drink water at a bar and get great advice from another failed Bachelor. As we are reminded 17 times during their chat, THINGS WILL ONLY GET HARDER GOING FORWARD.
The ladies arrive and what starts as a meet and greet with the Bachelor’s pupper in the dog park quickly turns into a one-on-one date with Tayshia. Hey, at least you losers got to pet a dog today!
The pair wandered the city, Sniper the Lab in tow, and stopped for drinks where Tayshia spilled the tea on who “isn’t here for the right reasons.” Both Cassie and Caelynn’s names were drug through the mud as Tayshia mentioned comments overheard about them wanting to become the next Bachelorette and not being able to picture themselves engaged at the end of this.
Colton was distraught and began displaying his “Why would anyone lie to me to become famous?!” dumbfounded face that would grace our screens almost constantly for the next two hours. I’m over your confusion, Colton. This is The Bachelor!
Appreciating her willingness to trash her supposed friends’ names, Colton shoves the rose down Tayshia’s throat faster than she can remind him again that she’s been married and therefore ready for round two down the aisle.
Conveniently, Caelynn receives the next one-on-one so Colton can probe her for information on her real intentions. He tries to teach her to snowboard first, but mainly we watch her being angry and hurt at all the accusations. Our beauty queen turns into a swear monster as her rage fills up the mountain. Wife material if I ever saw it!
Redemption arrives that evening as teary-eyed Caelynn makes the case as to her deep growing love/pure intentions and Colton, baffled as ever, gives her the rose. They get treated to a concert at Red Rocks put on by another singer I’ve never heard of, but this time they dance and make-out alone and not surrounded by a million strangers. I guess this is progress for The Bachelor?
Next on the parade of one-on-ones is Hannah Beast who is swept away from the city to the suburbs with a surprise meet the parents date. She’s excited, Colton is contemplative, and we watch them try to persuade Colton’s mom and dad that they are on the right path/know what the heck they’re doing. Hannah says she’s in love and Colton keeps his deer in the headlights look throughout.
That evening at an airplane hangar, Hannah flies in looking fan-freaking-tastic while Colton looks uneasy and like he might puke all over her fabulous dress. Where are the seatback vomit bags?! He starts things off by saying something about appreciating her and her honesty which is an immediate red flag. Hannah sees where this is going and gracefully gets dumped saying she deserves better than introducing her family to someone who isn’t 100% in on choosing her every day. You go, girl.
Finally, it is group date time for Hannah G., Kirpa, Heather, and Cassie. They make their way up a mountain in an old train where Conductor Colton takes each one of them off for alone time chatting. (Side note: anyone else bored by these dates? I get that The Bachelor is back in domestic territory, but come on.)
Heather takes her cuddle on a cold bench moment to tell Colton that she thinks they aren’t on the same path and she also doesn’t think she should put her family through meeting someone who isn’t all in on their kiss-virginity-stealing relationship. The train is fired up and choo-choos back down the mountain with Heather sadly waving goodbye from the caboose.
Meanwhile, Kirpa and Cassie fight it out about whether Cassie is there for the right reasons because Kirpa believes every word, or lie, from her bestie, Tayshia’s, mouth. Cassie is mad, Kirpa plans on also spilling the beans to Colton and Hannah is just silently wishing she wasn’t on this group date. The Bachelor Colton senses the tension and grabs the roses from their thirsty clutches to be saved for a later moment.
The group date dinner begins with Colton immediately taking Hannah away from the giant table of untouched food where he gives her a rose and sends her back to the house with the other two rose receivers. Upon her arrival, Caelynn is upset to learn of the Cassie/Kirpa drama and storms out of the house. So much rule breaking this season!
Bursting into the old mansion, she finds Colton and once again reveals her concerns with the she said, she said debacle. Cassie and Kirpa sit awkwardly shocked at her entrance and look more confused than Colton has this whole episode which says a lot.
Colton returns and to Kirpa’s distaste, gives Cassie the rose. I’m not sad in the least to see Kirpa exit the show and they do say that snitches get stitches. Perhaps Tayshia is next to follow suit?
We got the preview of next week’s hometowns on The Bachelor and all I have to say is I did a lot of yelling at my TV screen last night when we YET AGAIN didn’t get to see Colton jump the fence. I am unhappy. This is all I have wanted all season and last week’s tease was too much, ABC. Give the people what they want, end Colton’s journey to confusion and let me see some man tears! I guess there’s always next week….