The Bachelor episode 6 recap: Another one bites the dust

This week on the Bachelor Colton and Hannah G had a one on one date in beautiful Vietnam. But it wasn’t sunny for the FIVE girls who went home.

Let’s get to the most important part of this episode of The Bachelor: They didn’t forget Chris Harrison in Singapore! Chris magically appeared on the beach in Thailand to comfort Colton through his difficult decision. What would we do without him?

Okay, back to business.

The rose ceremony at the beginning of this episode was not shocking to say the least. Onyeka and Nicole suffered the consequences of their actions and were sent packing.

The rest of the gang jetted off to… Vietnam!

Colton really put that extra “c” in thicc with his video diary this week. We watched him rise out of the water like a beautiful princess Ariel, and there were no tears this time. A real W.

The first one-on-one this episode was with Hannah G. She looked like a dainty little The Bachelor Barbie. How some people look so nice in such heat is beyond me. I would look like a drowned river rat.

Colton and Hannah went to a Vietnamese spa, which looked incredible. It turned into another date where they did more kissing than talking. Kissed with their mud masks, kissed while getting a massage, kissed in the bath, and kissed in the shower. Would you kiss her here or there? He would kiss her everywhere. Bring on the house, the mouse, the fox, the whole gambit.

The poor spa workers. They just wanted to do their jobs!

At dinner, Colton gave the sweetest toast in the history of The Bachelor. I’ve been impressed by how thoughtful his toasts are… I wonder if he took a class. Hannah G and Colton finished their date by watching an ensemble play traditional Vietnamese songs. I’m pretty confident no one knew that band.

Now is the time in the Bachelor season when the girls typically lose their minds, and this year they did not disappoint. Many tears were shed and skinny fists were shaken as the group date card was read.

After they finished boo-hooing over who was on the group date card, the girls and Colton learned vovinam, Vietnamese martial arts, which just turned into an excuse to beat each other with sticks…again.

This girls sounded like an entire herd of cows giving birth as they “fought.” Colton thought it would be fun for the girls, but when is it fun to punch other people whilst trying to look cute? Hannah B was really feeling this group date and committed to the whole “B is for beast” brand she is developing on The Bachelor.

During her alone time with Colton, Demi called her mom, freshly released from federal prison, and introduced her to Colton. Maybe this was not the right time for such conversations, methinks. But classic Demi, she did what she wanted. Poor Tina just rejoined society and has now found her way on national television. Probably not what she was expecting.

Last week we saw the downfall of Elyse, and this week we saw Sydney take the same tumble. Colton sat there trying his best to eek out some tears, but it was really time for Sydney to go. They just didn’t have the same connection. As she was leaving, Sydney advised Colton to watch out for the “shiny things” in the house.

Times Colton said “get after it” on this date: 4.

Group date rose: Tayshia

I was shocked when Kirpa had her one on one date, mostly because I forgot Kirpa had been chosen.

. . .Mostly because I forget about Kirpa.

Cue one of the most awkward opening scenes ever on The Bachelor. Kirpa ran at Colton and did a delayed koala hug. It looked like she couldn’t decide if she was going to do it or not, and it turned into a mess. It hurt me so. They didn’t even kiss.

The two went swimming and did various activities, but the most memorable part of their date was Kirpa’s incredible black jumpsuit at dinner. Show stopper. She got the rose, yada yada yada.

Y’all. We should have known things were not okay with Demi when she started talking about herself in the 3rd person. That is usually a pretty good indicator things are about to go awry.

Demi decided to go visit Colton and tell him that she’s starting to fall in love with him. Bad move, Demi, because Colton didn’t feel the same. That did not go according to plan, but we will see you in Paradise.

Demi told Colton to watch out for the people who aren’t here for the right reasons and then went on her merry way. Colton walked her out with a little smirk, probably because he knew she was crazy and now he doesn’t have to look at any more prison trinkets from her mom.

There wasn’t a cocktail party this episode, which sent a lot of girls into a tizzy, but it was neither here, nor there, because Katie knew she was going home.

Maybe “be smart about who you have left” is the new “goodbye,” because Katie told Colton that wise adage as she got in the van. Three people this episode gave him similar advice. Could their words have actual merit, or are they just upset over being sent home?

What a scary thing for Colton and, oh boy ,did it get to him. That boy is coming apart at the seams, and I am LIVING for it.

*slowly chants* Fence, fence, fence, fence…

Fallen Homies: Nicole, Onyeka, Sydney, Demi, and Katie