The Bachelor episode 5 recap: If you’re a bully, I’m a bully

Colton, the girls, and all their drama are in Thaliand this week on the Bachelor. Why are Onyeka and Nicole fighting? Will Heather ever get her first kiss?

The Bachelor hoard is in Thailand this week. Like what? Thailand?? What happened to the in-between places like Vermont and Virginia? The locations went from 0 to 60 real quick this season.

First solo date of the episode is with Heather, who has one clear goal: get her first kiss. Colton shows up in his old man Hawaiian shirt and they romp around a floating island. The date is so awkward and there are so many lips and zero kisses. It caused me a lot of pain.

Whilst on this date, Heather drops the bomb that she dated a guy for 8 months and never kissed him. 8 months…8 MONTHS?? I know people who met, got engaged, and got married in less than 8 months.

Heather tells her tale and gives a look that says, “Did I say enough to get this rose?” Well the answer is yes, and Heather’s job title changes from “Never Been Kissed” to “Has Been Kissed.” She is no longer Grosie Josie.

Meanwhile, Elyse is having the come apart of a century. She is too far in her head and can’t get out. The kiss of death. Elyse wanted another one-on-one date, but was placed on the group date. Um, excuse me. You must be new here, Elyse. You were never going to get 2 one-on-ones. That is part of the Bachelor basics.

Elyse puts on her best dress and goes to visit Colton when he comes back from his date with Heather. Despite what her outfit says, Elyse is not there to take Colton to prom. Elyse is there to leave.

After a lengthy conversation and many tears, Elyse tells Colton that she has to go. Another Cougar bites the dust. See you in Paradise, Elyse.

We are graced with a video diary from Colton, our very own mixed bag of emotions. Our poor baby is still crying after Elyse left, but once again, it could be sweat. Thailand is HOT.

The group date of this episode was the stuff of my nightmares. The girls and Colton learned how to find food and water in the jungle of Thailand. I feel like they will all need this skill later in life. Put that on your resume, ladies!

These poor girls and Colton, who was just as scared, meandered through the jungle trying to find their lunch. The Bachelor must have spent all of the budget on airfare, because they out here making these girls eat bugs TWO WEEKS IN A ROW.

Colton had a choice encounter with a snake, which was definitely not the Britney Spears snake, so I was not here for it. The girls all look like greasy messes, but they are doing their best out here. Demi and the Hannahs proved to be the dream team and drove back to the resort to get their lunch instead of eating the bugs.

It was incredible. Innovators.

And you thought we could go one week without a “she said, she said.” Wrong-o!

This week’s edition is brought to you by Onyeka and Nicole. Onyeka passed along some second-hand (and incorrect) information that she should have let die. Onkeya also brought up that Nicole is emotional and cries every day. Hmm… Who else do we know that cries every day? UH. COLTON. Emotion is not weakness. Emotion is emotion.

Group rose: Hannah B.

The second one-on-one date, if you could call it that, was with Cassie. It was basically a montage of Cassie and Colton making out in different locations. Like, are they going to talk? Not really.

They spend a lot of the montage on their own island. An island that I’m pretty sure Ben Higgins left Olivia on. . . Nice to know she made it off. The island is SMALL and it looks like the producers went to Home Depot, bought a big bucket of sand, and called it an island. Maybe they can rent it out for Fyre Festival 2.

Colton comes up for air long enough to give Cassie the rose and then they get right back to business.

Later, the Bachelor cocktail party is full of surprises. The first being Chris Harrison, or lack thereof. I’m pretty sure they forgot Chris Harrison in Singapore because we haven’t seen him this episode.

After we watch Tayshia and Colton light their wishes on fire and let them float away in the wind, the cocktail party turns to hit after hit for Colton. One can best describe the general mood as, “If I’m going down, you’re coming with me.”

Onyeka and Nicole start round two when Nicole says that Onyeka is a bully and that she called Nicole emotionally unstable. OH THE DRAMA. Onyeka immediately goes on the defense and says she would never call someone mentally unstable, and that she has never been called a bully in her whole life.

Dear Onyeka, the shape of your eyebrows makes it hard for me to believe that you’ve never been called a bully. Thanks, bye. More on that HERE.

Nicole usually sounds like she’s trying to tell you she accidentally let your cat out of the house and now she hasn’t seen it for 2 weeks, but it quickly turns into a shouting match between Onyeka and Nicole. You can hear them yelling all over Thailand. Chris Harrison could probably hear them in Singapore!

Colton leaves his alone time with Katie to try and mediate, but they just keep yelling over him so he straight up leaves. Poor Katie. Forgotten by America and by Colton.

I was hoping this episode we would get the infamous fence jump, but alas, we were left with a “To Be Continued.”

Fallen homies: Elyse