The Bachelor episode 5 reaction: Catfights and cliffhangers

We knew it was coming. This week’s episode of The Bachelor brought us our first no rose ending  and the dreaded “To Be Continued…” screen.

With the beauty of Thailand surrounding them, The Bachelor‘s thirsty contestants had plenty to ogle besides our saintly virgin and they all desperately wanted to receive that date card. The pressure was especially getting to fan favorite, Elyse, and her emotions were getting reckless. Foreshadowing, anyone?

Looking for a Lip Promotion, Heather received the first one-on-one date so we knew she was about to pop that cherry on national television. The date itself was boring akin to the likes of Lauren and Arie. Lots of staring off in the distance, constant short-form responses and approximately zero substance. Mainly I was concerned about her 20-foot-long hair and how she managed to keep it tangle free after a boat ride across the ocean. Tell me your secrets, oh innocent one.

But fear not! The Bachelor fireworks came literally and figuratively later that evening when the night sky exploded with color over the beach and Heather received her magical first ever kiss. I bet her ex-boyfriend wishes he had had the budget to afford this delightful display and maybe his mouth could have met hers during their insanely long 8-month courtship.

Remember how Elyse was starting to freak out? Welp, this box of feelings burst all over the place when she found out that Cassie was getting the second one-on-one.

Dolled up and looking gorgeous, Elyse trekked over to Colton’s room to confront him. A move that has less than a 50% success rate per my completely made up data. It rarely works, people!

The first part of their conversation confused me. Amidst the crying, Elyse stated over and over that she was struggling and couldn’t do this and basically wanted Colton to pick her then and there and send the other honeys packing. Ah, the standard “I didn’t realize what this was and it’s hard!” convo.

Finally, she revealed that she couldn’t be engaged to the Bachelor after this short period of time so although she really likes Colton, she couldn’t give him what he wants at the end since his only goal is marriage. She does still want him to be happy and find love and blah, blah, blah. I respect her move only because getting engaged after 5 dates in 3 months is insane. But unfortunately, this show is called Wife Hunt and not Will You Be My Girlfriend? Goodbye: you’re too good for him anyway, Elyse!

The group date had the girls trekking through the jungle in their best Lara Croft outfits to show off their wilderness survival skills. They ate bugs and touched snakes, we got to see Colton be a scaredy cat and Hannah B called herself “Hannah Beast,” which is now my favorite thing.

Demi and the Hannah’s cheated the system during the Could you Find Food and Water Challenge by roaming off to get alcohol and burgers. Personally, I think that’s called using your resources wisely. We can hit up happy hour anytime, ladies.  Meanwhile, Tayshia used the challenge time to suck Colton’s face off, which made her teammates unhappy. The period of playing nice on The Bachelor is clearly over.

Cassie’s one-on-one was basically 15 minutes of watching her and Colton make-out like junior high kids who finally escaped the dance chaperone. They also barely talked and spent some time cuddling and giggling in Colton’s bed after Cassie realized that being on TV means everyone will know she’s NOT a virgin. Oops.

The claws came out at the cocktail party when Onyeka told Colton that Nicole is here for the wrong reasons. Say isn’t so! Elyse told her before she left that Nicole is using The Bachelor as her way to escape the horrors of living in Miami, so naturally Onyeka had to report to Colton and stir the pot. Colton then told Nicole, Nicole cried and then she told Onyeka that she never said that. Is that Rumor Has It faintly playing in the distance?

The rose-ceremony-that-wasn’t-to-be began with a cocktail party that resulted in more name calling and Nicole dramatically claiming that Onyeka has been bullying her. This led to a yelling match between the two that was so loud it disrupted Colton’s time on the couch with Katie. He came closer to watch the show unfold and then decided it was too much for his already frustrated broken heart. Our Bachelor stormed off into the night presumably to dive into the ocean and swim away from all these chicks and we were left wondering how the rest of the night would end. But alas, no answers until next week!